Question from a reader: how important are consistent sexual roles in a relationship?

Hey, hows it going. I found your blog through alttrp and have read most of the posts. I thought I might get your opinion on something because it seems your ideas about gay relationships are mostly in line with mine.

How much do you think the actual sexual positions and acts between a couple reflect on their positions in the relationship. I'm with a guy and I'd say that I tend towards the more masculine role and he's more feminine. I work hard to maintain that dynamic because I think we both enjoy it that way. In sex he's been pretty excursively the bottom for me with the exception of one time.

Now I've read what you said about masculine and feminine feed back during sex. I enjoy the fact that he gives that feminine feedback when we fuck. I also know how to give that feedback myself when I'm was on the receiving end in a different relationship. But for some reason it feels wrong to me in this context.

Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex? I'd like to bottom once and a while, but I think it would just undermine my frame entirely. I think ultimately both he and I would be less happy in the relationship if I allowed myself to do that.

Hey there,

It sounds like you've bottomed with him once, so what happened when you did? What was it like during, shortly after, and since? The answer might be the knot that unfurls this whole thing. I think you should assume it would make things different, especially if you've been working hard on being dominant. If you feel a lingering father-child relationship with him where you're validating what he says, he asks you lots of questions about life and how you do things, it feels like he's playing around in the safety of your world, your builds clearly make you fit for your respective dom/sub roles, then you've clearly established dominance, and doing this would add a new flavor. (You could have also established your own mark of dominance without those exact symptoms.)

One situation I could imagine working, if I may be explicit, is if he tops you, but for him it's the same as him jacking off and not necessarily being your "new daddy," while you let out low grunts and elongated moans as the bottom -- I think elongation with low-toned vocality helps keep one dominant. I had a moment humping a muscle daddy's great ass but he was still absolutely dominant from the beginning to the end; not in a self-conscious way, but in how we responded to each other and what we ultimately wanted from each other (I was 18 and wanted to be swallowed under his muscles, he thought I was cute and was cool playing macho with me for an evening). It sounds like you're in tune with your feminine side when you bottom though, and stifling that can take the fun out of it. I don't think repressing what you want to do is the way to go, and that just messes up the circuitry/flow anyway.

You could alternatively bottom with him one night, and then act like nothing's changed afterward. You could pre-plan something you would do, for example, right after you finish, e.g., get right off the bed, pull up your pants, and lay flat on the bed on your phone (or in the big spoon position). It would feel like he was ultimately pleasing you, so you would still be top dog, giving him a "you did good" feeling, even pressing your dick against his butt when you're curled up together afterward so he knows what's up. Before you started the sex, you could smother him with your body, suck his neck, and with your mouth on his ear, tell him to pleasure you with his dick in your ass -- but again, that's taking the fun out of losing yourself in the feminine ecstasy of receiving. It could really just feel like he's jacking off in your asshole, so you'd keep frame, but not let your inner bitch out.

And that last approach would be a little tight, no pun intended, since it depends on frame. Have you considered getting fucked by someone else? How open is your relationship? It could really help you with this guy to sleep with someone else who is the top/dom while you're free as the wind as a sub/bottom for a night, or even longer. The other night I was with a pectoral-y guy, we established he was more top and I was more bottom, and after fumbling for a bit, we both lay on our backs. I jacked off with an arm around his neck and feeling his pecs, while he fingered me close to my ass but not quite there, pushing more and more firmly until I climaxed, while he jacked himself off with his other hand. The combination of feeling so much masculinity (he had poked his dick close to my ass while in the missionary position too) paired with my orgasm was the first time in a long time I was really 'out' of it after sex. My mind was profoundly blank and I didn't want to move. That's what orgasming should feel like for the feminine. And in your quest to get fucked, you should aim for that kind of experience. Again, it could help you keep frame as a top with this guy to let this out.

In the off-chance that he's been very curious to top, and you decide you won't bottom with him, you could, as an extreme resort, suggest he top someone else. Since his masculine-source is you, and he wouldn't likely be topping a very masculine guy (or feel the other guy was too masculine if he was doing so), it's not likely he would get attached with his new partner, and it could a) give him an outlet (if he even needs it) and b) increase his dread for you to your advantage, since you suggesting he have sex with someone else might give him light anxiety, which you could fuck away for him daddy-gonna-take-care-of-you style in the worst case. I've encouraged my long-distant, pretty-attached plate to sleep with other guys while we're not together, and it still works out (even though he's holding a decent masculine frame with me -- military, chill, to the point), though he is a little upset to basically know I'm with other guys.

Hope this is helpful, and definitely let me know what you decide to do, and how it turns out. Pics or it didn't happen!

-Chad

PS

"Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex?"

And now to actually answer your question...

This is hard. I don't think they're always so set. But it's important to know what are the dynamics holding attraction so you don't mess up should you decide to try something else. Their being set is kind of an ideal. When you see a twink-y guy with a more alpha guy, you know what's up. Don't forget that most gay guys just jack off with one another, though a masc/fem dynamic can still be held. And fucking the 'wrong way' shouldn't be treated like it would destroy chemistry in all cases. I've fucked a guy for ten minutes, got tired and admitted I wasn't so into topping him, then let him curl me up in his arms while I beat us off touching his huge muscles. What you -want- to do is probably right, if you catch my drift. If your relationship with this guy is really all about that masc/fem chemistry I'd highly consider getting topped by another fellow.