5 Reasons Why Male Birth Control Will be Terrific

The news is out: Men will now have control over whether or not their females have access to their sperm by 2017.

Why this is amazing news for men:

1. You'll know it's not your kid.

Women can be prevented from pretending they got pregnant by their husbands, when they actually have another guy's child. This will help men avoid raising a child that isn't his, and keep them from having to pay child support / alimony (and it will give them ample time to plan an exit strategy if he is married). Suck it, paternity fraud.

2. Men can no longer be tricked into having unwanted children.

Having kids had always been solely a woman's decision, since her 'forgetting' to take birth control often accounts for many unwanted pregnancies. (Since condoms take away a lot of the pleasure, they often aren't used, and this trick is easier to pull by women, who often are about to hit the wall, or who want a sucker-guy's financial support.)

3. You do it once, and then you can undo it whenever you like.

Unlike female birth control which needs to be taken monthly, only one stopper is needed to keep your little-yous from entering a lady's eggs and thus changing your life.

4. High-profile men, rich men, and male celebrities no longer have to worry about their one night stands carrying babies and receiving monthly payments until death.

It is a common practice for NBA men to flush condoms down the toilet immediately after sex with fangirls so they don't have to worry about becoming a parent or a dent in their income. They can now enjoy sex without the hassle of procreating, along with the pleasure of sex without a condom.

5. If (when) the feminists complain about it, their tyranny will be obvious.

And we will revolt.

Why Orange is the New Black Lesbian Writer Divorce is a Bad Example for Men, Women, Gays

Of COURSE when you find out you're a lesbian, when you fall for another girl while in a marriage with someone else, you NATURALLY send the husband packing from the apartment AND KEEP THE RING.

"But he gave it to her!"

HE SURE DID. And how many months of salary it must have been! Good thing she can keep it for the memories. If not, why not sell it! He's not keeping it, anyway!

I was so flustered to read all these cheeky articles about a writer discovering she is gay, dating a girl at work, and THEN telling her husband the news AND THAT HE HAS TO LEAVE.

It's not even the arguable cheating that sends me off. If feminists are arguing for gender equality, then please dream up the following situation with me:

A guy discovers that he is not in love with his wife. In fact, he's having a thing with that other guy at his start-up workplace. He has money, but, he suggests that she find another place to live. And yeah he's gonna keep the ring she gave him because he's, uh, the sentimental type. Thanks for the memories though! You're a sweetheart, you. And you're employed, ex-wife, so that shouldn't be a problem either.

Good for her for discovering she's gay and that she's found her 'soul mate', or one of many to come. Now, can she do the adult thing where she excuses herself from this unsuspecting, poor man's life? "I just found out that I'm not for you, that someone else is, and this is totally not your fault, so I'll be leaving and if it's not rude of me, you can keep the ring, because I'm not a royal ass." That would be some fucking chivalry right there. Oh wait, that's a guy word. Uh. Gentlewomanliness? Compassion? Someone help me out here.

The day we stop seeing female sovereignty as "girl power!" will be a good fucking day.