Question from a reader: how important are consistent sexual roles in a relationship?

Hey, hows it going. I found your blog through alttrp and have read most of the posts. I thought I might get your opinion on something because it seems your ideas about gay relationships are mostly in line with mine.

How much do you think the actual sexual positions and acts between a couple reflect on their positions in the relationship. I'm with a guy and I'd say that I tend towards the more masculine role and he's more feminine. I work hard to maintain that dynamic because I think we both enjoy it that way. In sex he's been pretty excursively the bottom for me with the exception of one time.

Now I've read what you said about masculine and feminine feed back during sex. I enjoy the fact that he gives that feminine feedback when we fuck. I also know how to give that feedback myself when I'm was on the receiving end in a different relationship. But for some reason it feels wrong to me in this context.

Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex? I'd like to bottom once and a while, but I think it would just undermine my frame entirely. I think ultimately both he and I would be less happy in the relationship if I allowed myself to do that.

Hey there,

It sounds like you've bottomed with him once, so what happened when you did? What was it like during, shortly after, and since? The answer might be the knot that unfurls this whole thing. I think you should assume it would make things different, especially if you've been working hard on being dominant. If you feel a lingering father-child relationship with him where you're validating what he says, he asks you lots of questions about life and how you do things, it feels like he's playing around in the safety of your world, your builds clearly make you fit for your respective dom/sub roles, then you've clearly established dominance, and doing this would add a new flavor. (You could have also established your own mark of dominance without those exact symptoms.)

One situation I could imagine working, if I may be explicit, is if he tops you, but for him it's the same as him jacking off and not necessarily being your "new daddy," while you let out low grunts and elongated moans as the bottom -- I think elongation with low-toned vocality helps keep one dominant. I had a moment humping a muscle daddy's great ass but he was still absolutely dominant from the beginning to the end; not in a self-conscious way, but in how we responded to each other and what we ultimately wanted from each other (I was 18 and wanted to be swallowed under his muscles, he thought I was cute and was cool playing macho with me for an evening). It sounds like you're in tune with your feminine side when you bottom though, and stifling that can take the fun out of it. I don't think repressing what you want to do is the way to go, and that just messes up the circuitry/flow anyway.

You could alternatively bottom with him one night, and then act like nothing's changed afterward. You could pre-plan something you would do, for example, right after you finish, e.g., get right off the bed, pull up your pants, and lay flat on the bed on your phone (or in the big spoon position). It would feel like he was ultimately pleasing you, so you would still be top dog, giving him a "you did good" feeling, even pressing your dick against his butt when you're curled up together afterward so he knows what's up. Before you started the sex, you could smother him with your body, suck his neck, and with your mouth on his ear, tell him to pleasure you with his dick in your ass -- but again, that's taking the fun out of losing yourself in the feminine ecstasy of receiving. It could really just feel like he's jacking off in your asshole, so you'd keep frame, but not let your inner bitch out.

And that last approach would be a little tight, no pun intended, since it depends on frame. Have you considered getting fucked by someone else? How open is your relationship? It could really help you with this guy to sleep with someone else who is the top/dom while you're free as the wind as a sub/bottom for a night, or even longer. The other night I was with a pectoral-y guy, we established he was more top and I was more bottom, and after fumbling for a bit, we both lay on our backs. I jacked off with an arm around his neck and feeling his pecs, while he fingered me close to my ass but not quite there, pushing more and more firmly until I climaxed, while he jacked himself off with his other hand. The combination of feeling so much masculinity (he had poked his dick close to my ass while in the missionary position too) paired with my orgasm was the first time in a long time I was really 'out' of it after sex. My mind was profoundly blank and I didn't want to move. That's what orgasming should feel like for the feminine. And in your quest to get fucked, you should aim for that kind of experience. Again, it could help you keep frame as a top with this guy to let this out.

In the off-chance that he's been very curious to top, and you decide you won't bottom with him, you could, as an extreme resort, suggest he top someone else. Since his masculine-source is you, and he wouldn't likely be topping a very masculine guy (or feel the other guy was too masculine if he was doing so), it's not likely he would get attached with his new partner, and it could a) give him an outlet (if he even needs it) and b) increase his dread for you to your advantage, since you suggesting he have sex with someone else might give him light anxiety, which you could fuck away for him daddy-gonna-take-care-of-you style in the worst case. I've encouraged my long-distant, pretty-attached plate to sleep with other guys while we're not together, and it still works out (even though he's holding a decent masculine frame with me -- military, chill, to the point), though he is a little upset to basically know I'm with other guys.

Hope this is helpful, and definitely let me know what you decide to do, and how it turns out. Pics or it didn't happen!

-Chad

PS

"Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex?"

And now to actually answer your question...

This is hard. I don't think they're always so set. But it's important to know what are the dynamics holding attraction so you don't mess up should you decide to try something else. Their being set is kind of an ideal. When you see a twink-y guy with a more alpha guy, you know what's up. Don't forget that most gay guys just jack off with one another, though a masc/fem dynamic can still be held. And fucking the 'wrong way' shouldn't be treated like it would destroy chemistry in all cases. I've fucked a guy for ten minutes, got tired and admitted I wasn't so into topping him, then let him curl me up in his arms while I beat us off touching his huge muscles. What you -want- to do is probably right, if you catch my drift. If your relationship with this guy is really all about that masc/fem chemistry I'd highly consider getting topped by another fellow.

The Truth About Self-Esteem

We hear often that the most important thing in love, relationships, and perhaps even in life, is to love yourself.

"You might be overweight, but the most important thing is to love yourself."
"You can't manifest anything if you don't love yourself first."
"I would much rather love myself than have a nice body."

It is reasonable to want to have self-respect and esteem before undertaking any other lifelong activity or habit (e.g. the gym), or going out further into the world, meeting people more unlike ourselves with new expectations, away from what we're familiar with.

But something about THE NATURE OF LOVE AND SELF-LOVE needs to be taken into account before we endeavor to love ourselves.

We love ourselves the same way we love other people.

We love other people, or are fascinated by them, when at first sight they appear to be beings with a spark in their eye, who are smart enough to remain attractive, and display a promising radiance, beneficial to both you and them. A person who is obviously strong from many hours toiling at the gym receives far more automatic respect than someone who advertises they are fast food fanatics.

And of course, achievements are a huge love-magnet. But someone can have had a million achievements, and be the worst at confidently stating what he's done, so he is not easy to regard highly. Most people with great achievements do garner greater confidence as a result, but ironically it is not the achievements themselves that make these individuals so interpersonally desirable, but rather the increased and intoxicating confidence that occurs as a result.

Some people with little to no achievements somehow manage to run about the world with their head held up high, and they advertise the ability to take on the world, and everyone loves them as a result. These people are usually younger folk, because an older person who hasn't achieved much will have a harder time convincing others.

When we fall in love or find ourselves greatly admiring someone else, our love magnetizes towards them because of these qualities they show. They not only display these personality and achievement qualities to others, but also themselves.

Our love's expectations for others are the same expectations our love has for ourselves. But in order to discover what exactly that love is, we have to see that love for what it is. Love in this since is not appreciation or gratitude. It is not polite or sacrificial. It is impactful enough that we want to be like the person we see, or want to be with them. It is infatuation, admiration, desire, and envy.

When we gain these charismatic and high-achieving characteristics, whether through birth or struggle, we will automatically love ourselves. Whether it's a new haircut, a raise, a new clothing style, a better home (or cleaner room), a perfected or fun dialect -- all of these things contribute to magnetizing our love, and we automatically love ourselves more as a result, with no emotional effort on our part. It just happens!

Things that are lovable are easy to love -- we can't help loving them. This includes ourselves. Make yourself easy to love, and your love will rush towards yourself like mad. At the same time, things that are not lovable are difficult to love, if not impossible to. If we must appreciate someone or something for whatever reason, the best we can do is ignore the unlovable aspect.

Love is not a choice. When we fall in love, it is definitely not a choice.* It is the same with loving oneself. We can "choose" to love ourselves, but this is a purely intellectual endeavor, and does not stir our love, though it may stir other aspects of our insides. Coming to true self love in the most profound sense is only achieved by an envisioning of who we could be, and after an objective look at where we are with ourselves (physically, financially, emotionally) and what we desire to change. We have to earn the love of others, and we have to earn our own love, too.

Confidence breeds confidence. Success breeds success. An amazing body will have us rushing to dress ourselves in amazing clothes. An amazing self-image will push us to get the best living and economic situation for ourselves. One step towards a more lovable you opens more doors for a more lovable you.

Most people block out this reasoning because everyone wants to be inherently lovable under all circumstances. Newborns and infants who come into the world helpless and in need of nurturing, attention, affection, and caring ARE worthy of this unconditional love, however. But once we grow up, our love is selective about who it latches onto -- it's even selective about loving ourselves or not. Our love is choosy about how it feels about us, the same way our love is choosy about who we'd like to date.

Our love's main purpose is to rush towards those with the highest survival and replication value. We automatically admire the strong man, some people lust over large breasts, we automatically take into higher account someone speaking with a deeper tone, we prefer the company of popular (but nice) people instead of negative loners, when someone sends us a needy text message we grimace, we magnetize towards tall people in social situations, because in ancient times, these actions were essential to survive. Today we have government safety cushions, technology, biweekly paychecks, and grocery stores to help us survive, but our nervous system's discretion -- that is, our love's discretion -- has not changed. The field is different, but the game is the same.

What can you do to make yourself more lovable today?

*In the moment, falling in love is out of our control, but, with self-improvement and efforts at a large pool of dating options ahead of time, we can prevent premature attachment to an individual who may not love us back.