We hear often that the most important thing in love, relationships, and perhaps even in life, is to love yourself.
"You might be overweight, but the most important thing is to love yourself."
"You can't manifest anything if you don't love yourself first."
"I would much rather love myself than have a nice body."
It is reasonable to want to have self-respect and esteem before undertaking any other lifelong activity or habit (e.g. the gym), or going out further into the world, meeting people more unlike ourselves with new expectations, away from what we're familiar with.
But something about THE NATURE OF LOVE AND SELF-LOVE needs to be taken into account before we endeavor to love ourselves.
We love ourselves the same way we love other people.
We love other people, or are fascinated by them, when at first sight they appear to be beings with a spark in their eye, who are smart enough to remain attractive, and display a promising radiance, beneficial to both you and them. A person who is obviously strong from many hours toiling at the gym receives far more automatic respect than someone who advertises they are fast food fanatics.
And of course, achievements are a huge love-magnet. But someone can have had a million achievements, and be the worst at confidently stating what he's done, so he is not easy to regard highly. Most people with great achievements do garner greater confidence as a result, but ironically it is not the achievements themselves that make these individuals so interpersonally desirable, but rather the increased and intoxicating confidence that occurs as a result.
Some people with little to no achievements somehow manage to run about the world with their head held up high, and they advertise the ability to take on the world, and everyone loves them as a result. These people are usually younger folk, because an older person who hasn't achieved much will have a harder time convincing others.
When we fall in love or find ourselves greatly admiring someone else, our love magnetizes towards them because of these qualities they show. They not only display these personality and achievement qualities to others, but also themselves.
Our love's expectations for others are the same expectations our love has for ourselves. But in order to discover what exactly that love is, we have to see that love for what it is. Love in this since is not appreciation or gratitude. It is not polite or sacrificial. It is impactful enough that we want to be like the person we see, or want to be with them. It is infatuation, admiration, desire, and envy.
When we gain these charismatic and high-achieving characteristics, whether through birth or struggle, we will automatically love ourselves. Whether it's a new haircut, a raise, a new clothing style, a better home (or cleaner room), a perfected or fun dialect -- all of these things contribute to magnetizing our love, and we automatically love ourselves more as a result, with no emotional effort on our part. It just happens!
Things that are lovable are easy to love -- we can't help loving them. This includes ourselves. Make yourself easy to love, and your love will rush towards yourself like mad. At the same time, things that are not lovable are difficult to love, if not impossible to. If we must appreciate someone or something for whatever reason, the best we can do is ignore the unlovable aspect.
Love is not a choice. When we fall in love, it is definitely not a choice.* It is the same with loving oneself. We can "choose" to love ourselves, but this is a purely intellectual endeavor, and does not stir our love, though it may stir other aspects of our insides. Coming to true self love in the most profound sense is only achieved by an envisioning of who we could be, and after an objective look at where we are with ourselves (physically, financially, emotionally) and what we desire to change. We have to earn the love of others, and we have to earn our own love, too.
Confidence breeds confidence. Success breeds success. An amazing body will have us rushing to dress ourselves in amazing clothes. An amazing self-image will push us to get the best living and economic situation for ourselves. One step towards a more lovable you opens more doors for a more lovable you.
Most people block out this reasoning because everyone wants to be inherently lovable under all circumstances. Newborns and infants who come into the world helpless and in need of nurturing, attention, affection, and caring ARE worthy of this unconditional love, however. But once we grow up, our love is selective about who it latches onto -- it's even selective about loving ourselves or not. Our love is choosy about how it feels about us, the same way our love is choosy about who we'd like to date.
Our love's main purpose is to rush towards those with the highest survival and replication value. We automatically admire the strong man, some people lust over large breasts, we automatically take into higher account someone speaking with a deeper tone, we prefer the company of popular (but nice) people instead of negative loners, when someone sends us a needy text message we grimace, we magnetize towards tall people in social situations, because in ancient times, these actions were essential to survive. Today we have government safety cushions, technology, biweekly paychecks, and grocery stores to help us survive, but our nervous system's discretion -- that is, our love's discretion -- has not changed. The field is different, but the game is the same.
What can you do to make yourself more lovable today?
*In the moment, falling in love is out of our control, but, with self-improvement and efforts at a large pool of dating options ahead of time, we can prevent premature attachment to an individual who may not love us back.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
To The Fat Gay Guy Who Thinks He Has a Chance to Date Me: A Look at Reality and Priorities
This is an article about fat gays, why they are completely annoying when they are making moves (besides because they're fat), and what they should do about being less annoying and becoming competent sexual contenders.
The first part is a recent, relevant personal story, and the next part gets down to business and ends on a high note...sort of.
---
The other day I was acting in a film with another gay actor, who is fat.
He was a very witty, sassy queen type who said fun things and was highly pleasant. I enjoyed his company, and he was fine with mine.
When we were filming, between takes, I mentioned something about the boat we were on, and he says, "You're a top? bottom? What??" and gave a nervous laugh. It was his unbridled attempt at flirting, marked by lack of experience in the field, due to lack of desirability.
I made a "huh??" look with my face and responded with silence but continued to be friendly. This is usually enough to signal disinterest and for someone to not persist, but people who limit themselves from growing a dating skill set, like fat people who make no effort to lose weight, are desperate, naturally, for intimacy, and generally don't know when too much is too much.
So of course afterward he hit on me via Facebook.
It started off with him innocently liking some of my statuses. I thoroughly enjoyed one of his own statuses -- he is funny, after all -- and was about to like it but hesitated, wondering, Would he think I'm flirting? Facebook likes can be a great way to flirt and telegraph other covert messages, but I foolishly figured he wouldn't interpret one Facebook like as a flirtation.
So afterward he sends me a Nice Guy, unspecific, private message saying, "Hey, how are you?"
If he had merely wanted to hang out, he wouldn't have put me on such a high pedestal as to necessitate perfect grammar and capital letters, and would've said something like "hey me and some friends are going to such-and-such bar, lemme know if you can make it." But that clearly wasn't the case. So, I ignore it. Replying, regardless of content, is no way of telling a guy, "Hey, I know what you want, and I'm not selling (to you)."
A few days later he gives me another like, and I figured we were now fine. I enjoyed his online humor as well as the mutually recognized (or so I had hoped) sexual boundary that I had put in place.
Then, he disrespects himself so much as to send me another message. Me, a guy who didn't do anything to earn his attention (besides not be fat but be gay), and didn't hit on him. He sends me a job listing for something I had mentioned to him I was looking for -- a job I had already applied for, thankfully, so I didn't feel so guilty as to thank him. Because guess where that would have led? To him of course saying, "No problem! Hope it's helpful. Anyway, I was wondering, how're you doing? You didn't get back to me last time lol but no worries, you left me curious."
FAVORS DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WORK TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES WITH ANYONE. If anything, it guilts someone as to consider being with you. And fat guys know this least of all because their bodies are not bait enough, and they don't have the experience as the one being hit on with this tactic to see how futile it is!
---
Our culture is so fraught with lazy people and societal self-congratulatory rhetoric that it's no wonder that even someone who finds himself amidst a so-called "superficial" demographic (read: gay males) would disrespect himself so much as to remain fat, remain unsexy, chase guys anyway, and let himself be heartbroken about lost opportunity when he could've been the sexier one (the fat guy from my story was tall! Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to him and his potential sexiness?!).
Guys who go from fat to toned can be breathtakingly sexy, and I'm not saying that to be kind. The fact is, you will never know how much you can love yourself and how much others can love you until you lose the fat and get the muscle. The question is, do you want to be the clever, unattractive queen that TV and the movies have taught you to be, or do you want to reach for your actual, sexy, masc ("oh no she didn't") potential?
RuPaul spouts a quote with frequency that is based off of another quote. He says something like, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck are you going to love anybody else?" This quote is incorrect in its implications for a few reasons. The quote should go, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck is anybody going to love you?"
There are a few reasons RuPaul phrases it in this incorrect manner. The first is that the second quotation is far harsher, bringing to the forefront that you are limiting your lovability ("how is anyone going to love you?" -- BUT WAIT, this gives you full responsibility and thus power of increasing your lovability! To bad we are so weak as to not see this). The second reason RuPaul puts it this nicer way is that RuPaul's quote gives you the idea that your love is a blessing for others ("how in the heck are you gonna love anybody else?") and changing seems more like a good idea than a serious stance with high stakes like love, intimacy, and the dream relationship we've been promised since childhood.
I won't go into discourse on the veracity of whether one's love is inherently a blessing for others. But I should point out the third reason RuPaul's quote doesn't get it right for his viewers, which is that, despite what he says, It Is Actually Much Easier to Love Somebody Else When You Don't Love Yourself. Clinginess, anyone? The overweight guy from my story didn't have a problem trying to get his Big Mac-hands on my 29-inch waistline. His issues weren't in not loving someone else, they were: not seeing my flaws, not having the romantic/sexual options to toss me aside when I wasn't making sex easy for him, and most likely his eating up the garbage that "fat is beautiful" when he should be making that fat disappear and change his life, boning someone that isn't three times his age, or, god forbid, his own size.
I understand that it's not easy to lose weight. I was told by a personal trainer that going from skinny to bulky is just as hard as going from fat to skinny. And trust me, going from skinny to bulky is no easy task! But I'm fucking on it. Was the guy from the story?
He in fact made complaints about insecurity at the gym, which are heard all too often. "I don't like being the big guy at the gym when everyone else looks so good." Okay, but what about the skinny guy who is the pipsqueak at the gym? OR, have you considered that the gym rat is literally painting himself into a stereotype every time he goes? They might all be muscular to a not-muscular person, but to experienced gym goers it is probably clear who is spending less time at home and with friends than the others, so attending the gym is quite a statement to make for such a person -- one that may not ideally serve his ego.
When it comes down to the fat people who realize, Okay, I'm not gonna get any dick/ass/love until I lose the weight (and that's the first step, because masculinity is key for an abundance of viable romantic options), the difference between them hitting the weights and the treadmill comes down to a few things.
1. PRIORITIES/TIME
2. HABIT
3. SELF-IMAGE
1. Priorities/Time. Simple: Make the time and lose the fat. It'll change your life. Maybe the gym will even cut down on therapy attendance times and time spent dancing circles around the Cheesecake Factory, which will help you doubly.
2. Habit. The fact is, the way the universe works, is that things make more of themselves. What I mean is, a habit to eat all the frosting on the cake when you are already a fatass will lead up to asking your friends to share their own frosting, and not suddenly give up cake altogether (as you should). You need to break the pattern, and you can only do that by getting results you are thrilled by, and then continuing the new pattern that keeps making the new, better stuff happen.
You have to literally fight your subconscious impulse that wants to retain the status quo, because according to much of your being, things are more or less okay the way they are, and the asking price of breaking a sweat on a regular basis is too high for your mind to handle this instant. So you have to egg it on with pure desire and fury. It's on, fatty.
3. Self-Image. Fat people too often see themselves as their fat itself. Sometimes because they've always had it, and sometimes because ads for women encouraging them to accept their normal bodyweight versus envying those of starving supermodels, leak into the gay community. So then, a glaringly disproportionate height/body weight is suddenly totally okay, just like being gay was. Um, what? You do have control over one of those things.
This falls under much of the mind talk from step 2, Habit. The fact that fat people see themselves as The Fat Guy a lot of the time, really means that by kicking their weight out of the picture, they are terrified of the superhuman, toned and sexy beings they are more than capable of becoming. How they've interacted with new social prospects, their self-deprecating humor, how they can tell their silhouette from most other people's, and how they've always known themselves are intertwined with their self-concept. So, it's a matter of will.
Bottom line. Don't be a slob, because your prospective mates (fat people: if you will bother to make yourself attainable to have any) and prospective friends are always judging your character by your appearance. Don't fuck up your first impression with your dream guy.
Go to the gym. It's not superficial if it's based off of evolutionarily attractive traits such as musculature; it's common sense.
May the sexiest man win. (See what I did there? You thought I was only talking to fat people. Nope, that goes for everyone, and fat guys are steps behind. Unfair? Then kick your ass.)
The first part is a recent, relevant personal story, and the next part gets down to business and ends on a high note...sort of.
---
The other day I was acting in a film with another gay actor, who is fat.
He was a very witty, sassy queen type who said fun things and was highly pleasant. I enjoyed his company, and he was fine with mine.
When we were filming, between takes, I mentioned something about the boat we were on, and he says, "You're a top? bottom? What??" and gave a nervous laugh. It was his unbridled attempt at flirting, marked by lack of experience in the field, due to lack of desirability.
I made a "huh??" look with my face and responded with silence but continued to be friendly. This is usually enough to signal disinterest and for someone to not persist, but people who limit themselves from growing a dating skill set, like fat people who make no effort to lose weight, are desperate, naturally, for intimacy, and generally don't know when too much is too much.
So of course afterward he hit on me via Facebook.
It started off with him innocently liking some of my statuses. I thoroughly enjoyed one of his own statuses -- he is funny, after all -- and was about to like it but hesitated, wondering, Would he think I'm flirting? Facebook likes can be a great way to flirt and telegraph other covert messages, but I foolishly figured he wouldn't interpret one Facebook like as a flirtation.
So afterward he sends me a Nice Guy, unspecific, private message saying, "Hey, how are you?"
If he had merely wanted to hang out, he wouldn't have put me on such a high pedestal as to necessitate perfect grammar and capital letters, and would've said something like "hey me and some friends are going to such-and-such bar, lemme know if you can make it." But that clearly wasn't the case. So, I ignore it. Replying, regardless of content, is no way of telling a guy, "Hey, I know what you want, and I'm not selling (to you)."
A few days later he gives me another like, and I figured we were now fine. I enjoyed his online humor as well as the mutually recognized (or so I had hoped) sexual boundary that I had put in place.
Then, he disrespects himself so much as to send me another message. Me, a guy who didn't do anything to earn his attention (besides not be fat but be gay), and didn't hit on him. He sends me a job listing for something I had mentioned to him I was looking for -- a job I had already applied for, thankfully, so I didn't feel so guilty as to thank him. Because guess where that would have led? To him of course saying, "No problem! Hope it's helpful. Anyway, I was wondering, how're you doing? You didn't get back to me last time lol but no worries, you left me curious."
FAVORS DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WORK TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES WITH ANYONE. If anything, it guilts someone as to consider being with you. And fat guys know this least of all because their bodies are not bait enough, and they don't have the experience as the one being hit on with this tactic to see how futile it is!
---
Our culture is so fraught with lazy people and societal self-congratulatory rhetoric that it's no wonder that even someone who finds himself amidst a so-called "superficial" demographic (read: gay males) would disrespect himself so much as to remain fat, remain unsexy, chase guys anyway, and let himself be heartbroken about lost opportunity when he could've been the sexier one (the fat guy from my story was tall! Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to him and his potential sexiness?!).
Guys who go from fat to toned can be breathtakingly sexy, and I'm not saying that to be kind. The fact is, you will never know how much you can love yourself and how much others can love you until you lose the fat and get the muscle. The question is, do you want to be the clever, unattractive queen that TV and the movies have taught you to be, or do you want to reach for your actual, sexy, masc ("oh no she didn't") potential?
RuPaul spouts a quote with frequency that is based off of another quote. He says something like, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck are you going to love anybody else?" This quote is incorrect in its implications for a few reasons. The quote should go, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck is anybody going to love you?"
There are a few reasons RuPaul phrases it in this incorrect manner. The first is that the second quotation is far harsher, bringing to the forefront that you are limiting your lovability ("how is anyone going to love you?" -- BUT WAIT, this gives you full responsibility and thus power of increasing your lovability! To bad we are so weak as to not see this). The second reason RuPaul puts it this nicer way is that RuPaul's quote gives you the idea that your love is a blessing for others ("how in the heck are you gonna love anybody else?") and changing seems more like a good idea than a serious stance with high stakes like love, intimacy, and the dream relationship we've been promised since childhood.
I won't go into discourse on the veracity of whether one's love is inherently a blessing for others. But I should point out the third reason RuPaul's quote doesn't get it right for his viewers, which is that, despite what he says, It Is Actually Much Easier to Love Somebody Else When You Don't Love Yourself. Clinginess, anyone? The overweight guy from my story didn't have a problem trying to get his Big Mac-hands on my 29-inch waistline. His issues weren't in not loving someone else, they were: not seeing my flaws, not having the romantic/sexual options to toss me aside when I wasn't making sex easy for him, and most likely his eating up the garbage that "fat is beautiful" when he should be making that fat disappear and change his life, boning someone that isn't three times his age, or, god forbid, his own size.
I understand that it's not easy to lose weight. I was told by a personal trainer that going from skinny to bulky is just as hard as going from fat to skinny. And trust me, going from skinny to bulky is no easy task! But I'm fucking on it. Was the guy from the story?
He in fact made complaints about insecurity at the gym, which are heard all too often. "I don't like being the big guy at the gym when everyone else looks so good." Okay, but what about the skinny guy who is the pipsqueak at the gym? OR, have you considered that the gym rat is literally painting himself into a stereotype every time he goes? They might all be muscular to a not-muscular person, but to experienced gym goers it is probably clear who is spending less time at home and with friends than the others, so attending the gym is quite a statement to make for such a person -- one that may not ideally serve his ego.
When it comes down to the fat people who realize, Okay, I'm not gonna get any dick/ass/love until I lose the weight (and that's the first step, because masculinity is key for an abundance of viable romantic options), the difference between them hitting the weights and the treadmill comes down to a few things.
1. PRIORITIES/TIME
2. HABIT
3. SELF-IMAGE
1. Priorities/Time. Simple: Make the time and lose the fat. It'll change your life. Maybe the gym will even cut down on therapy attendance times and time spent dancing circles around the Cheesecake Factory, which will help you doubly.
2. Habit. The fact is, the way the universe works, is that things make more of themselves. What I mean is, a habit to eat all the frosting on the cake when you are already a fatass will lead up to asking your friends to share their own frosting, and not suddenly give up cake altogether (as you should). You need to break the pattern, and you can only do that by getting results you are thrilled by, and then continuing the new pattern that keeps making the new, better stuff happen.
You have to literally fight your subconscious impulse that wants to retain the status quo, because according to much of your being, things are more or less okay the way they are, and the asking price of breaking a sweat on a regular basis is too high for your mind to handle this instant. So you have to egg it on with pure desire and fury. It's on, fatty.
3. Self-Image. Fat people too often see themselves as their fat itself. Sometimes because they've always had it, and sometimes because ads for women encouraging them to accept their normal bodyweight versus envying those of starving supermodels, leak into the gay community. So then, a glaringly disproportionate height/body weight is suddenly totally okay, just like being gay was. Um, what? You do have control over one of those things.
This falls under much of the mind talk from step 2, Habit. The fact that fat people see themselves as The Fat Guy a lot of the time, really means that by kicking their weight out of the picture, they are terrified of the superhuman, toned and sexy beings they are more than capable of becoming. How they've interacted with new social prospects, their self-deprecating humor, how they can tell their silhouette from most other people's, and how they've always known themselves are intertwined with their self-concept. So, it's a matter of will.
Bottom line. Don't be a slob, because your prospective mates (fat people: if you will bother to make yourself attainable to have any) and prospective friends are always judging your character by your appearance. Don't fuck up your first impression with your dream guy.
Go to the gym. It's not superficial if it's based off of evolutionarily attractive traits such as musculature; it's common sense.
May the sexiest man win. (See what I did there? You thought I was only talking to fat people. Nope, that goes for everyone, and fat guys are steps behind. Unfair? Then kick your ass.)
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