Thursday, December 19, 2013

Getting (or Receiving) the Guy: The Chase and Sexual Polarity

If my romantic and sexual experiences in college taught me anything, it's that lots of guys who like guys have no idea how to manage someone else's attraction for them, or how to make it happen between them at all.

I stumbled upon an amazing book on my Facebook news feed about a year ago when I needed clarification myself. A sassy lady-acquaintance of mine posted it after she read it saying, "Well, I haven't been doing dating right at all." After getting my own copy, I found that I hadn't really, either, unless by instinct.

In case you're wondering, the book (Not Your Mother's Rules) is supposed to be for girls on how to keep a guy interested -- and I'm a dude who likes dudes.

It has been an amazing manual for me on how to keep a 'masculine' guy around. Or, how to keep a guy interested and behaving in a 'masculine' way. The rest of the post illustrates how I think it's useful (ahem, essential) for a guy who's into a -- there's that word again -- 'masculine' guy.

When I say "masculine," I'm not necessarily talking about football throwing, ball-scratching, toothpick-in-teeth behavior. I'm actually talking about that masculine vulnerability which is secretly what masculinity is. I'm talking about the impulse to give someone protection, and to let him know that he's being thought of in a way that suggests romantic and sexual exclusivity. It's the masculine spark that demands a lot of confidence, because it takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there like that -- but it's so damn sexy when it happens, because it demonstrates strength.

Confidence = Vulnerability. (In the 'masculine' sense.)

Think about what turns you on about a guy. Not just any guy, but keep one or two in mind. I'll venture to say there are two types of attraction, within the romantic realm (I'm not talking about a viable hookup option).

There are the kinds of guys who we want to sweep us off of our feet. The ones with the puffed out chest, the go-getters -- you know who I mean. They may exist more in our imagination than in reality, but both are still valid because dating is pure psychology.

Then there are the cute, more bottom-y ones that sometimes make us feel manly who, unless they act too clingy, we want to take care of, at a gut level.

Homosexual men, or any group of guys, cannot be so simply divided into these categories. But both of these archetypal guys, who we perceive others to be and who we see ourselves as sometimes, are the result of successful gay game.

When a 'masculine' guy shows signs of anxiety or weakness, he loses that cologne about him.
When a 'feminine' guy gets clingy, he is no longer the prize we had made him out to be.

"Well, this has been fun. Let's get a drink sometime soon."
"I'll give you a call when you're back in the area."
"We should do this again."

Look at the quotes above, and imagine your Prince Eric telling you something like that. Swoon, you went. Sigh, we go.

Now imagine one of those lighter-and-whispy-haired, innocent-faced guys with the cute butt. His smile with his girl friends (don't let me be misunderstood, I'm talking about a homosexual here), which is incredibly sweet, looks more like something you'd put on a Hallmark birthday card than a facsimile of some devil-may-care, cockeyed gay-man-izer. With this innocent example, I'm not even talking about a weak/insecure guy (yet...that'll be a post in the future); just a poised, more feminine guy.

Imagine that great-skinned, Fierce-smelling, tight-jeaned guy asking you out. Hot, right? 100% bangable. The problem?

It's only an ego-boost for us, and a potential lay. We don't want to date him, at least not for too long.

Huh? How can that be? We're politically correct. In fact, this post is not a cry against feminine guys, or feminine guys' agency. We see guys like that in relationships all the time. So what is being suggested?

That passive guys, or guys who find themselves interested in someone who they want as the more masculine partner, can't pursue someone without regretting it.

Wait, you are hopefully thinking. Am I that guy? One of them? Both of them? Neither?

The truth is... sometimes you are, and sometimes you are not. Our masculine/feminine polarities often change with who we are (as in, immediate surroundings...and also who we are romantically with), and how attracted we are to the guy.

When we are attracted to a manly guy, we might tease, act sassy around him, and maybe even pursue him. Anyone familiar with the chase may well know it works out better when, heterosexually speaking, the guy makes the first move. While true, we might be tempted to think that chasing goes either way between guys showing interest to one another.

Not so.

Sassy-flirty behavior is instinctually telling a guy, Come and chase me. It doesn't work because you are chasing him, confusing the polarity. You are saying, "Do that masculine thing where you prove yourself to me. I'm interested. Go ahead, show me who you are. I'm interested." It's paradoxical because you don't need him to show you what he's got; you're already interested. Therefore it's actually annoying and not helpful to getting you guys anywhere, unless you just want to have him for a night.

So when the part of us that yearns, whether always or on occasion, to be taken care of by the king of the jungle types, the best tactic? Do nothing. Let him see you as the type that gets pursued.

Let it be his idea.

And when we're attracted to the more 'feminine' guy? You guessed it. Go up to him and act like a player. Be forward. Dare to put your hand through his hair. Touch his hands. Show confidence (even if you're scared shitless). Make him laugh. Smile. Be cocky. Cross boundaries here and there with a smile and a "just kidding, just kidding!" Guys who inspire our masculine with their femininity need to be charmed. If they're into us, they wouldn't have it any other way. That is how the attraction current flows in its most proper form.

Another big sexual polarity mistake: matching vulnerability with vulnerability.
"Hey you," he says. "It meant so much that you came to see my game."
"Of course!" you can say. "I'm so glad I finally saw you play."

The example above is fine. As the feminine side of the magnetic pull, it's not your place to ask him out. Trust me, I've been there and the long-term results aren't pretty. If he made the first move and has since pursued you, let him do that. If you do his job for him, he'll get bored, feel something's not right, and move on.

Confidence = Sexiness = Vulnerability (for the pursuer).
Confidence = Sexiness = Trust (for the one being chased).


Best tactic for masculine counterpart: being forward. (Scary, because of fear of rejection.)
Worst tactic for masculine counterpart: being hesitant. (Comes from fear of rejection.)

Best tactic for feminine counterpart: doing nothing. (Scary because you want to make sure it's still on.)
Worst tactic for feminine counterpart: being forward. (Comes from fear of relationship slipping away.)


These rules are especially true for player-types. A guy used to picking up guys relishes a really hard-to-get guy if he's a pursuer, or he wants someone who will effortlessly call him and have no problem going after what they want.

I have a story about a pursuer who got my interest from 0 to 60 simply with his subtle but persistent forwardness; but that'll be for a future post.

Does this mean that if you're more masculine/feminine in your mannerisms or interests, that you are doomed to one set of these dating tactics? No. You have no idea if you're going to meet an American Pie you want to ravage to adorable smithereens, or a Hercules you want to carry you over the threshold (lolz). It has less to do with how you're perceived by others or yourself in your daily life, and more about what an individual guy inspires in you. Familiarize yourself with both sides of the game, put them into practice, and get the guy.


Since this is my first blog post, I feel like I'm spilling everything at once. It's a lot to take in! Hopefully ideas and dating concepts will be brought up with more clarity and fluidity in the future. This is just a taste of what's to come.

'Til next time, my brothers.