Brothers and babes:
Whether you're approaching or were approached on the dance floor, are in a relationship or about to be in one, there's one thing you must do. It's not the only thing, but it's nonetheless important:
1. Figure out who the 'guy' is.
2. Don't fuck it up.
I was texting a plate the other day who's in the military. He's pretty stoic in his texts and I usually become a shameless bouncy ball of energy when I talk with him; he's the oak tree in the relationship.
He's the guy.
I'm often the guy in other relationships. The other night I accrued a plate at a club who danced with/around me the whole night and went out to eat with me and my friends right afterward. I was the stoic fucker who approached him dead on and he was the one singing songs by Mariah Something and letting his hypergamy send him into orbits around me and my crew.
But with me and Military Man, he was always the guy in the relationship.
One time MM texted me that he was sick. I found myself going into "poor baby" mode, not in a condescending way; I was being my man's little helper in text message form. I wanted my man to know his li'l boy angel was thinking of him. Then he said something that made my skin crawl.
"Well I have nothing to worry about, I have a big man who can protect me." (Referring to me.)
Talk about a sexual polarity killer.
Plenty of guys tell me stuff like that, but they're my twinks, not my sexy daddies whose strength I subconsciously 'rely' on and whose displays of weakness give my reptilian brain the shivers.
Not to say it ended things. But that's probably because I can observe my romantic/sexual experiences, know where they're coming from, and once they happen, I can decide if the relationship's worth continuing.
Examples:
a) "He hasn't texted me back. BUT I WANT HIM SO MUCH. Well, that's not how it works. Abundance mentality, unsubscribe from posts, don't Like his stuff even if he starts pelting me with Likes as a result of my disappearance, but be nice in person. NEXT."
b) "What a turn-off, that thing he did!* Well, I have fun sleeping with him; you don't see pecs like that every day. I can overcome my momentary instincts in return for some sex that'll make my endorphins fly."
* Applies to beta moments your big boy has. Not him being an inexcusable dick. In that case, you cut contact.
You get the point.
But you might not be dating a cad as self-observant, game-aware, or who considers all options. Most humans are feeling-based, and even think that they're thinking when they're actually just feeling. Therefore, when dealing with the law of sexual polarity, tread with care.
Figure out (in your head, not in a conversation with him) who's the daddy and who's the son; figure out who's taking care of who; figure out who's the oak tree and who's the monkey. (Of course, an alpha in the pair can be high-energy; that sentence is mostly related to emotional volatility.) It's not always so black and white, but if you see a pattern, realize that the exchange of the relationship is very likely dependent on that dynamic continuing.
If you're the alpha male and he's your boy, realize that opening up too much about your feelings may put a damper on his attraction for you, even if he 'wouldn't do that.' (Remember it's not him doing it; it's generations of evolution that's done that to his brain.)
If you're the pretty boy princess and he's your bodybuilding stoic prince charming, there is less that you can do wrong in this sense, but if your occasional wound-licking for your man makes you out to be the caretaker or paternal/maternal figure, he might naturally exhibit some submissive/passive behavior that'll dry you up faster than dry ice sublimates. (And dry ice is a solid that turns into a gas, y'all!!!!11!11 Skippin' being the element water and shit.)
At the same time, don't overdo your role; you were a person before getting to know this good-looking dude, remember? Just because you're the alpha doesn't mean you should be completely distant or a tyrannical asshole. Just because you're not the manly one in charge doesn't mean he wants to be dating a drag queen, or that he doesn't need consolation once in a while.
Ok, good learning today. Time to make a cold approach.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, February 16, 2015
Saturday, September 27, 2014
5 Reasons He's Not That Into You (Besides "Type")
You're ready for him. Why isn't he having it with you?
1. You're showing too much interest
We all want what we can't have, because if it doesn't want us, then it must be really awesome and better than us! This is how we think. Also, showing too much interest can be creepy. The sooner you stop back-to-back texting him, the more classy you can appear.
2. You don't rock the clothes (yet!)
Nothing says confidence like great taste in clothes that show off your body. Feeling good enough about yourself to show off is also an aphrodisiac.
3. You don't have the body (yet!)
Seriously, work out. Your body has ONE JOB.
4. You're nervous or socially awkward
Dating and mating is about finding the strongest and worthiest mate, when it comes to gay men. These traits, however, reek of powerlessness and lack of confidence. Fake it 'til you make it!
5. He's in love with someone else.
Oh, please.
But don't worry! We'll help you be a player beast so your feelings never have to be outcome-independent on one guy again -- because seriously, that's an attraction killer, as we mentioned, and most importantly, it's just not healthy.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Number One Rule of PUA: Do Not Talk About PUA and Demonstrating Low Social Value
Talking about PUA outside of forums and fellow real-life Pick Up Artists should be a big NO. It should be this way for a few reasons, and the one of utmost importance might not be the one that you're thinking.
This goes for ALL GUYS interested in or a part of PUA in any way.
Of course, you might be thinking that what I mean is, "Don't tell anyone that you're 'gaming' them, or that you read pick-up tactics online and then perform them when you're trying to pick them up, because it will be awkward since they'll know what you're up to." That's not exactly what I mean, although that is definitely something to consider when trying to earn a hottie's trust in the comfort stage of your pickup.
Like nerds who get really wrapped up in a video game they incessantly discuss with friends, i.e. nerds with particularly low social skills or low social experience, what tends to happen is that aspects of game or game itself begins to be referred as if everyone else you met knew what you were talking about, when they don't. This is a huge social devaluation of yourself, i.e., it makes you look like a huge loser.
I'll formulate a harmless example and then lead into instances I have seen master PUAs make this blunder on public YouTube videos still available to the general public (if you have no idea what "master PUA" is, they're just semi-famous dudes who have a lot of experience picking up successfully).
Imagine you are banging a beautiful blond with amazing skin who is, admittedly, a little twinky, but has come to love your new musculature and ignites your newly discovered instinct to protect with his toned but limber build. (If you're straight pretend it's a chick.) He is obedient and he arouses a cocktail of hormones and emotions from you without instilling oneitis from you. Ahem, anyway, you are dining with his family, and you have brought along your nine year old brother; you're both staying at his family's over a long weekend. The conversation is settling, and your boy toy Brendan (let's call him) is brushing his leg against yours, his breath noticeably shallower, and he's wondering how you're going to fuck him this time because you've made damn sure sex is not a predictable hurtle with him. Your in-laws say something like, "Glad you guys just graduated, because tuition is on the rise!" and your brother says, "Yeah, it's over 9000!" and beams you with a smirk you are obliged to return.
Your in-laws and boyfriend go, ".......haha....ha..?" and turn to you for a light explanation, so they can genuinely give a hearty laugh with your sibling. You find yourself scratching the back of your head, managing a laugh, and explaining what an internet meme is, why your brother knows it, and why it's at all funny (if you don't know what it is, you're not missing anything, and neither was anyone at that table, as they'll come to learn).
A harmless example. He's nine for God's sake, and this instance probably won't stop Brendan from monitoring condom/lube count before your routine tip-toeing into his bedroom. But what if it's a PUA doing the same thing -- and a so-called MASTER one, at that?
Allow me to piece together instances I have seen this take place, by so-called master PUAs. This is really a shame because I have come to really admire these dudes, but Neil Strauss, author of The Game, and Tyler from Real Social Dynamics have pulled this. Strauss, in his Jimmy Kimmel Live interview, is obviously being grilled about his magical abilities to pick up women, a difficult and unenviable position for any guy to be put into -- imagine getting asked, "So, tell me more about your elusive ability to be the best at women, and better than anyone else here, including that really good-looking guy over there, me, and that guy making out with that woman. Say, can you pick her up?" etc. In fact Kimmel asks Strauss if he can pick up Jessica Alba who is right at his side. Strauss laughs and retorts, "Well, I don't know talk show game."
Silence.
Then slowly Kimmel and Alba put together the nerd lingo that Strauss is using. "Ah," they visibly think. "He uses 'game' as a thing. It's how they speak, when they configure how to pick up elusive women and get that elusive sex they work so hard for. That's nice." If you squirmed at least a little when that came out of Neil's mouth, maybe your anxiety is a little high, but MAYBE you have the social intelligence to know that in-private lingo with anyone else actually demonstrates low social value because, as far as anyone else knows, you're conniving with other losers who have to implement complicated-sounding strategies to achieve things (sex) that others can do without the planning and mental schema you use.
Tyler has an in-field video (translation: a live YouTube video of him picking up women to prove his worth to guys wondering if they should take his advice) where he has a chick laughing outside a club. He's demonstrating no fear by literally clinging onto her, which she takes humor in, but what comes out of his mouth sent a chill down my spine. "Ahhhh, don't leeeeave me!" he says (lol -- that's not the bad part). "You just can't, I'm PUA!"
The grueling part of this phrase is that it is so obvious to anyone, whether they know what PUA is or they think it stands for Pet Uprising Association, is that the person saying it thinks it makes them cool as shit. The natural mental response is, "Uh, that's not cool as shit, I don't even know what that is," or, "Uh, being a self-proclaimed Pick-Up Artist doesn't make you cool as shit [which is true, guys], but maybe it does with your group of loser friends." Even if someone does think being a PUA is cool, phrasing it like that is such an awkward self-promoting tactic that even the likest mind will backwards-rationalize that you're a moron for saying that.
Imagine at a college reunion, that some students are welcomed with 'Cum Laude Badges,' and some are not. Whether or not you would've earned one, picture three friends with the badges about to get their picture taken, when a fourth good friend rushes into the picture, grabs one of their wastes, and utters, "Ahh, please let me in too, I'm CLB!"
Uh...you're what, bro?
Visibly painting yourself into an elite group is just not the way to sell your higher value to other people. If you're part of the in crowd, you will not need to advertise it. Simple as that.
This goes for ALL GUYS interested in or a part of PUA in any way.
Of course, you might be thinking that what I mean is, "Don't tell anyone that you're 'gaming' them, or that you read pick-up tactics online and then perform them when you're trying to pick them up, because it will be awkward since they'll know what you're up to." That's not exactly what I mean, although that is definitely something to consider when trying to earn a hottie's trust in the comfort stage of your pickup.
Like nerds who get really wrapped up in a video game they incessantly discuss with friends, i.e. nerds with particularly low social skills or low social experience, what tends to happen is that aspects of game or game itself begins to be referred as if everyone else you met knew what you were talking about, when they don't. This is a huge social devaluation of yourself, i.e., it makes you look like a huge loser.
I'll formulate a harmless example and then lead into instances I have seen master PUAs make this blunder on public YouTube videos still available to the general public (if you have no idea what "master PUA" is, they're just semi-famous dudes who have a lot of experience picking up successfully).
Imagine you are banging a beautiful blond with amazing skin who is, admittedly, a little twinky, but has come to love your new musculature and ignites your newly discovered instinct to protect with his toned but limber build. (If you're straight pretend it's a chick.) He is obedient and he arouses a cocktail of hormones and emotions from you without instilling oneitis from you. Ahem, anyway, you are dining with his family, and you have brought along your nine year old brother; you're both staying at his family's over a long weekend. The conversation is settling, and your boy toy Brendan (let's call him) is brushing his leg against yours, his breath noticeably shallower, and he's wondering how you're going to fuck him this time because you've made damn sure sex is not a predictable hurtle with him. Your in-laws say something like, "Glad you guys just graduated, because tuition is on the rise!" and your brother says, "Yeah, it's over 9000!" and beams you with a smirk you are obliged to return.
Your in-laws and boyfriend go, ".......haha....ha..?" and turn to you for a light explanation, so they can genuinely give a hearty laugh with your sibling. You find yourself scratching the back of your head, managing a laugh, and explaining what an internet meme is, why your brother knows it, and why it's at all funny (if you don't know what it is, you're not missing anything, and neither was anyone at that table, as they'll come to learn).
A harmless example. He's nine for God's sake, and this instance probably won't stop Brendan from monitoring condom/lube count before your routine tip-toeing into his bedroom. But what if it's a PUA doing the same thing -- and a so-called MASTER one, at that?
Allow me to piece together instances I have seen this take place, by so-called master PUAs. This is really a shame because I have come to really admire these dudes, but Neil Strauss, author of The Game, and Tyler from Real Social Dynamics have pulled this. Strauss, in his Jimmy Kimmel Live interview, is obviously being grilled about his magical abilities to pick up women, a difficult and unenviable position for any guy to be put into -- imagine getting asked, "So, tell me more about your elusive ability to be the best at women, and better than anyone else here, including that really good-looking guy over there, me, and that guy making out with that woman. Say, can you pick her up?" etc. In fact Kimmel asks Strauss if he can pick up Jessica Alba who is right at his side. Strauss laughs and retorts, "Well, I don't know talk show game."
Silence.
Then slowly Kimmel and Alba put together the nerd lingo that Strauss is using. "Ah," they visibly think. "He uses 'game' as a thing. It's how they speak, when they configure how to pick up elusive women and get that elusive sex they work so hard for. That's nice." If you squirmed at least a little when that came out of Neil's mouth, maybe your anxiety is a little high, but MAYBE you have the social intelligence to know that in-private lingo with anyone else actually demonstrates low social value because, as far as anyone else knows, you're conniving with other losers who have to implement complicated-sounding strategies to achieve things (sex) that others can do without the planning and mental schema you use.
Tyler has an in-field video (translation: a live YouTube video of him picking up women to prove his worth to guys wondering if they should take his advice) where he has a chick laughing outside a club. He's demonstrating no fear by literally clinging onto her, which she takes humor in, but what comes out of his mouth sent a chill down my spine. "Ahhhh, don't leeeeave me!" he says (lol -- that's not the bad part). "You just can't, I'm PUA!"
The grueling part of this phrase is that it is so obvious to anyone, whether they know what PUA is or they think it stands for Pet Uprising Association, is that the person saying it thinks it makes them cool as shit. The natural mental response is, "Uh, that's not cool as shit, I don't even know what that is," or, "Uh, being a self-proclaimed Pick-Up Artist doesn't make you cool as shit [which is true, guys], but maybe it does with your group of loser friends." Even if someone does think being a PUA is cool, phrasing it like that is such an awkward self-promoting tactic that even the likest mind will backwards-rationalize that you're a moron for saying that.
Imagine at a college reunion, that some students are welcomed with 'Cum Laude Badges,' and some are not. Whether or not you would've earned one, picture three friends with the badges about to get their picture taken, when a fourth good friend rushes into the picture, grabs one of their wastes, and utters, "Ahh, please let me in too, I'm CLB!"
Uh...you're what, bro?
Visibly painting yourself into an elite group is just not the way to sell your higher value to other people. If you're part of the in crowd, you will not need to advertise it. Simple as that.
To The Fat Gay Guy Who Thinks He Has a Chance to Date Me: A Look at Reality and Priorities
This is an article about fat gays, why they are completely annoying when they are making moves (besides because they're fat), and what they should do about being less annoying and becoming competent sexual contenders.
The first part is a recent, relevant personal story, and the next part gets down to business and ends on a high note...sort of.
---
The other day I was acting in a film with another gay actor, who is fat.
He was a very witty, sassy queen type who said fun things and was highly pleasant. I enjoyed his company, and he was fine with mine.
When we were filming, between takes, I mentioned something about the boat we were on, and he says, "You're a top? bottom? What??" and gave a nervous laugh. It was his unbridled attempt at flirting, marked by lack of experience in the field, due to lack of desirability.
I made a "huh??" look with my face and responded with silence but continued to be friendly. This is usually enough to signal disinterest and for someone to not persist, but people who limit themselves from growing a dating skill set, like fat people who make no effort to lose weight, are desperate, naturally, for intimacy, and generally don't know when too much is too much.
So of course afterward he hit on me via Facebook.
It started off with him innocently liking some of my statuses. I thoroughly enjoyed one of his own statuses -- he is funny, after all -- and was about to like it but hesitated, wondering, Would he think I'm flirting? Facebook likes can be a great way to flirt and telegraph other covert messages, but I foolishly figured he wouldn't interpret one Facebook like as a flirtation.
So afterward he sends me a Nice Guy, unspecific, private message saying, "Hey, how are you?"
If he had merely wanted to hang out, he wouldn't have put me on such a high pedestal as to necessitate perfect grammar and capital letters, and would've said something like "hey me and some friends are going to such-and-such bar, lemme know if you can make it." But that clearly wasn't the case. So, I ignore it. Replying, regardless of content, is no way of telling a guy, "Hey, I know what you want, and I'm not selling (to you)."
A few days later he gives me another like, and I figured we were now fine. I enjoyed his online humor as well as the mutually recognized (or so I had hoped) sexual boundary that I had put in place.
Then, he disrespects himself so much as to send me another message. Me, a guy who didn't do anything to earn his attention (besides not be fat but be gay), and didn't hit on him. He sends me a job listing for something I had mentioned to him I was looking for -- a job I had already applied for, thankfully, so I didn't feel so guilty as to thank him. Because guess where that would have led? To him of course saying, "No problem! Hope it's helpful. Anyway, I was wondering, how're you doing? You didn't get back to me last time lol but no worries, you left me curious."
FAVORS DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WORK TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES WITH ANYONE. If anything, it guilts someone as to consider being with you. And fat guys know this least of all because their bodies are not bait enough, and they don't have the experience as the one being hit on with this tactic to see how futile it is!
---
Our culture is so fraught with lazy people and societal self-congratulatory rhetoric that it's no wonder that even someone who finds himself amidst a so-called "superficial" demographic (read: gay males) would disrespect himself so much as to remain fat, remain unsexy, chase guys anyway, and let himself be heartbroken about lost opportunity when he could've been the sexier one (the fat guy from my story was tall! Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to him and his potential sexiness?!).
Guys who go from fat to toned can be breathtakingly sexy, and I'm not saying that to be kind. The fact is, you will never know how much you can love yourself and how much others can love you until you lose the fat and get the muscle. The question is, do you want to be the clever, unattractive queen that TV and the movies have taught you to be, or do you want to reach for your actual, sexy, masc ("oh no she didn't") potential?
RuPaul spouts a quote with frequency that is based off of another quote. He says something like, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck are you going to love anybody else?" This quote is incorrect in its implications for a few reasons. The quote should go, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck is anybody going to love you?"
There are a few reasons RuPaul phrases it in this incorrect manner. The first is that the second quotation is far harsher, bringing to the forefront that you are limiting your lovability ("how is anyone going to love you?" -- BUT WAIT, this gives you full responsibility and thus power of increasing your lovability! To bad we are so weak as to not see this). The second reason RuPaul puts it this nicer way is that RuPaul's quote gives you the idea that your love is a blessing for others ("how in the heck are you gonna love anybody else?") and changing seems more like a good idea than a serious stance with high stakes like love, intimacy, and the dream relationship we've been promised since childhood.
I won't go into discourse on the veracity of whether one's love is inherently a blessing for others. But I should point out the third reason RuPaul's quote doesn't get it right for his viewers, which is that, despite what he says, It Is Actually Much Easier to Love Somebody Else When You Don't Love Yourself. Clinginess, anyone? The overweight guy from my story didn't have a problem trying to get his Big Mac-hands on my 29-inch waistline. His issues weren't in not loving someone else, they were: not seeing my flaws, not having the romantic/sexual options to toss me aside when I wasn't making sex easy for him, and most likely his eating up the garbage that "fat is beautiful" when he should be making that fat disappear and change his life, boning someone that isn't three times his age, or, god forbid, his own size.
I understand that it's not easy to lose weight. I was told by a personal trainer that going from skinny to bulky is just as hard as going from fat to skinny. And trust me, going from skinny to bulky is no easy task! But I'm fucking on it. Was the guy from the story?
He in fact made complaints about insecurity at the gym, which are heard all too often. "I don't like being the big guy at the gym when everyone else looks so good." Okay, but what about the skinny guy who is the pipsqueak at the gym? OR, have you considered that the gym rat is literally painting himself into a stereotype every time he goes? They might all be muscular to a not-muscular person, but to experienced gym goers it is probably clear who is spending less time at home and with friends than the others, so attending the gym is quite a statement to make for such a person -- one that may not ideally serve his ego.
When it comes down to the fat people who realize, Okay, I'm not gonna get any dick/ass/love until I lose the weight (and that's the first step, because masculinity is key for an abundance of viable romantic options), the difference between them hitting the weights and the treadmill comes down to a few things.
1. PRIORITIES/TIME
2. HABIT
3. SELF-IMAGE
1. Priorities/Time. Simple: Make the time and lose the fat. It'll change your life. Maybe the gym will even cut down on therapy attendance times and time spent dancing circles around the Cheesecake Factory, which will help you doubly.
2. Habit. The fact is, the way the universe works, is that things make more of themselves. What I mean is, a habit to eat all the frosting on the cake when you are already a fatass will lead up to asking your friends to share their own frosting, and not suddenly give up cake altogether (as you should). You need to break the pattern, and you can only do that by getting results you are thrilled by, and then continuing the new pattern that keeps making the new, better stuff happen.
You have to literally fight your subconscious impulse that wants to retain the status quo, because according to much of your being, things are more or less okay the way they are, and the asking price of breaking a sweat on a regular basis is too high for your mind to handle this instant. So you have to egg it on with pure desire and fury. It's on, fatty.
3. Self-Image. Fat people too often see themselves as their fat itself. Sometimes because they've always had it, and sometimes because ads for women encouraging them to accept their normal bodyweight versus envying those of starving supermodels, leak into the gay community. So then, a glaringly disproportionate height/body weight is suddenly totally okay, just like being gay was. Um, what? You do have control over one of those things.
This falls under much of the mind talk from step 2, Habit. The fact that fat people see themselves as The Fat Guy a lot of the time, really means that by kicking their weight out of the picture, they are terrified of the superhuman, toned and sexy beings they are more than capable of becoming. How they've interacted with new social prospects, their self-deprecating humor, how they can tell their silhouette from most other people's, and how they've always known themselves are intertwined with their self-concept. So, it's a matter of will.
Bottom line. Don't be a slob, because your prospective mates (fat people: if you will bother to make yourself attainable to have any) and prospective friends are always judging your character by your appearance. Don't fuck up your first impression with your dream guy.
Go to the gym. It's not superficial if it's based off of evolutionarily attractive traits such as musculature; it's common sense.
May the sexiest man win. (See what I did there? You thought I was only talking to fat people. Nope, that goes for everyone, and fat guys are steps behind. Unfair? Then kick your ass.)
The first part is a recent, relevant personal story, and the next part gets down to business and ends on a high note...sort of.
---
The other day I was acting in a film with another gay actor, who is fat.
He was a very witty, sassy queen type who said fun things and was highly pleasant. I enjoyed his company, and he was fine with mine.
When we were filming, between takes, I mentioned something about the boat we were on, and he says, "You're a top? bottom? What??" and gave a nervous laugh. It was his unbridled attempt at flirting, marked by lack of experience in the field, due to lack of desirability.
I made a "huh??" look with my face and responded with silence but continued to be friendly. This is usually enough to signal disinterest and for someone to not persist, but people who limit themselves from growing a dating skill set, like fat people who make no effort to lose weight, are desperate, naturally, for intimacy, and generally don't know when too much is too much.
So of course afterward he hit on me via Facebook.
It started off with him innocently liking some of my statuses. I thoroughly enjoyed one of his own statuses -- he is funny, after all -- and was about to like it but hesitated, wondering, Would he think I'm flirting? Facebook likes can be a great way to flirt and telegraph other covert messages, but I foolishly figured he wouldn't interpret one Facebook like as a flirtation.
So afterward he sends me a Nice Guy, unspecific, private message saying, "Hey, how are you?"
If he had merely wanted to hang out, he wouldn't have put me on such a high pedestal as to necessitate perfect grammar and capital letters, and would've said something like "hey me and some friends are going to such-and-such bar, lemme know if you can make it." But that clearly wasn't the case. So, I ignore it. Replying, regardless of content, is no way of telling a guy, "Hey, I know what you want, and I'm not selling (to you)."
A few days later he gives me another like, and I figured we were now fine. I enjoyed his online humor as well as the mutually recognized (or so I had hoped) sexual boundary that I had put in place.
Then, he disrespects himself so much as to send me another message. Me, a guy who didn't do anything to earn his attention (besides not be fat but be gay), and didn't hit on him. He sends me a job listing for something I had mentioned to him I was looking for -- a job I had already applied for, thankfully, so I didn't feel so guilty as to thank him. Because guess where that would have led? To him of course saying, "No problem! Hope it's helpful. Anyway, I was wondering, how're you doing? You didn't get back to me last time lol but no worries, you left me curious."
FAVORS DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WORK TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES WITH ANYONE. If anything, it guilts someone as to consider being with you. And fat guys know this least of all because their bodies are not bait enough, and they don't have the experience as the one being hit on with this tactic to see how futile it is!
---
Our culture is so fraught with lazy people and societal self-congratulatory rhetoric that it's no wonder that even someone who finds himself amidst a so-called "superficial" demographic (read: gay males) would disrespect himself so much as to remain fat, remain unsexy, chase guys anyway, and let himself be heartbroken about lost opportunity when he could've been the sexier one (the fat guy from my story was tall! Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to him and his potential sexiness?!).
Guys who go from fat to toned can be breathtakingly sexy, and I'm not saying that to be kind. The fact is, you will never know how much you can love yourself and how much others can love you until you lose the fat and get the muscle. The question is, do you want to be the clever, unattractive queen that TV and the movies have taught you to be, or do you want to reach for your actual, sexy, masc ("oh no she didn't") potential?
RuPaul spouts a quote with frequency that is based off of another quote. He says something like, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck are you going to love anybody else?" This quote is incorrect in its implications for a few reasons. The quote should go, "If you don't love yourself, how in the heck is anybody going to love you?"
There are a few reasons RuPaul phrases it in this incorrect manner. The first is that the second quotation is far harsher, bringing to the forefront that you are limiting your lovability ("how is anyone going to love you?" -- BUT WAIT, this gives you full responsibility and thus power of increasing your lovability! To bad we are so weak as to not see this). The second reason RuPaul puts it this nicer way is that RuPaul's quote gives you the idea that your love is a blessing for others ("how in the heck are you gonna love anybody else?") and changing seems more like a good idea than a serious stance with high stakes like love, intimacy, and the dream relationship we've been promised since childhood.
I won't go into discourse on the veracity of whether one's love is inherently a blessing for others. But I should point out the third reason RuPaul's quote doesn't get it right for his viewers, which is that, despite what he says, It Is Actually Much Easier to Love Somebody Else When You Don't Love Yourself. Clinginess, anyone? The overweight guy from my story didn't have a problem trying to get his Big Mac-hands on my 29-inch waistline. His issues weren't in not loving someone else, they were: not seeing my flaws, not having the romantic/sexual options to toss me aside when I wasn't making sex easy for him, and most likely his eating up the garbage that "fat is beautiful" when he should be making that fat disappear and change his life, boning someone that isn't three times his age, or, god forbid, his own size.
I understand that it's not easy to lose weight. I was told by a personal trainer that going from skinny to bulky is just as hard as going from fat to skinny. And trust me, going from skinny to bulky is no easy task! But I'm fucking on it. Was the guy from the story?
He in fact made complaints about insecurity at the gym, which are heard all too often. "I don't like being the big guy at the gym when everyone else looks so good." Okay, but what about the skinny guy who is the pipsqueak at the gym? OR, have you considered that the gym rat is literally painting himself into a stereotype every time he goes? They might all be muscular to a not-muscular person, but to experienced gym goers it is probably clear who is spending less time at home and with friends than the others, so attending the gym is quite a statement to make for such a person -- one that may not ideally serve his ego.
When it comes down to the fat people who realize, Okay, I'm not gonna get any dick/ass/love until I lose the weight (and that's the first step, because masculinity is key for an abundance of viable romantic options), the difference between them hitting the weights and the treadmill comes down to a few things.
1. PRIORITIES/TIME
2. HABIT
3. SELF-IMAGE
1. Priorities/Time. Simple: Make the time and lose the fat. It'll change your life. Maybe the gym will even cut down on therapy attendance times and time spent dancing circles around the Cheesecake Factory, which will help you doubly.
2. Habit. The fact is, the way the universe works, is that things make more of themselves. What I mean is, a habit to eat all the frosting on the cake when you are already a fatass will lead up to asking your friends to share their own frosting, and not suddenly give up cake altogether (as you should). You need to break the pattern, and you can only do that by getting results you are thrilled by, and then continuing the new pattern that keeps making the new, better stuff happen.
You have to literally fight your subconscious impulse that wants to retain the status quo, because according to much of your being, things are more or less okay the way they are, and the asking price of breaking a sweat on a regular basis is too high for your mind to handle this instant. So you have to egg it on with pure desire and fury. It's on, fatty.
3. Self-Image. Fat people too often see themselves as their fat itself. Sometimes because they've always had it, and sometimes because ads for women encouraging them to accept their normal bodyweight versus envying those of starving supermodels, leak into the gay community. So then, a glaringly disproportionate height/body weight is suddenly totally okay, just like being gay was. Um, what? You do have control over one of those things.
This falls under much of the mind talk from step 2, Habit. The fact that fat people see themselves as The Fat Guy a lot of the time, really means that by kicking their weight out of the picture, they are terrified of the superhuman, toned and sexy beings they are more than capable of becoming. How they've interacted with new social prospects, their self-deprecating humor, how they can tell their silhouette from most other people's, and how they've always known themselves are intertwined with their self-concept. So, it's a matter of will.
Bottom line. Don't be a slob, because your prospective mates (fat people: if you will bother to make yourself attainable to have any) and prospective friends are always judging your character by your appearance. Don't fuck up your first impression with your dream guy.
Go to the gym. It's not superficial if it's based off of evolutionarily attractive traits such as musculature; it's common sense.
May the sexiest man win. (See what I did there? You thought I was only talking to fat people. Nope, that goes for everyone, and fat guys are steps behind. Unfair? Then kick your ass.)
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Dating and Facebook Likes - It's a Thing
Technology: Making a few things easier and more accessible, while also helping us (and screwing us over) romantically!
Facebook's Like feature enables one to effortlessly demonstrate approval, praise, and perhaps affection with a mouse-click. "Effortless" is a good dating word --no one wants to elope with a try-hard guy, and this is a great way to not be that guy.
If you are convinced Facebook liking can't have a significant impact on your dating life, you are probably...
a) old
b) just thinking of friendships and forgetting how heated and tense it can get with a potential romantic interest reciprocating desire
c) haven't had a fling in a while
d) are confusing it with stalking / not having those likes be returned
Likes were the opening of one insane relationship I had. A guy and I had a friendly but heated conversational exchange, and when I didn't show up to a party he was invited to that he was expecting me to attend, he promptly gave me a first Like, which I didn't reciprocate in order to not come off as desperate. I trusted in him and the universe that if he so desired me, and if he was bold enough, he'd do it again. He did! I returned his Like so he had given two, and I had given one. Coming off as the less interested one is always important. Then he initiated a chat with me with some lame excuse as to why, followed by some light conversation, a false time-constraint on his part ("I hate to do this, I have to go, but...") which helped him get to the point (asking me out: "...but, let's get a coffee in the near future") and make him seem busy and not desperate (attractive!).
And did you notice he asked in a statement and not a question? He avoided neediness to come off as bold.
But now we're getting into the semantics beyond Facebook likes. But, do you see how it all links up now?
Likes can also mean...
1. It's over, we were chatting, but now I'm going to ignore your messages and give you likes so we have good energy if we ever see each other again and it's not as uncomfortable
2. You messaged me or asked me out in person, and I never had interest, so I ignored the message or said some BS to you in person, so here's a Facebook like so you don't get angry with me, I hope you're well.
Share your own experiences been with Facebook likes, guy-to-guy, in the comments.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Be the Man: How Chasing the Person You Like Can Increase Your Attractiveness
This is a story about a guy who knew, consciously or not, that being romantically/sexually persistent increased his attractiveness tenfold.
I had had virtually no interest in him, and he changed my body chemistry towards him through exquisitely executed attraction tactics. The guy was chasing me, and I learned lots as he executed some fine masculine/active/top same-sex game that stimulated me wholly. Useful not just for gay guys, but also straight ones!
We had known each other for some time through friends at school. Others thought he was cute and made note of his supple body when he came up in conversation, but I personally wasn't bought. If there was a buying factor for me though, it was his popularity and charisma.
This guy went off like a rocket in all his theater classes and built a huge reputation for his forwardness, charm, and natural leadership abilities. He makes sure he has a hell of a time at any social gathering, and everyone else naturally enters his reality. In business/collaborative settings (such as a recurring project we worked on together), he's often the loudest and clearest speaker in the room, but also the one most likely to respond to ideas (or mandates) with almost brow-raising affirmatives like "Awesome" or "I love it," in a setting where overtly suggesting your feedback may hold more weight than everyone else's is taboo. His first day on the project, he was the newest guy in the room, yet he managed to make the person in charge of going over material with him seem as if she was presenting the material for his approval, instead of accepting a frame where his title was, "Clueless guy who obligingly and sweetly accepts what is given to him and the status quo."
Needless to say, all of these traits caught my interest.
Regardless, his not-bodybuilder-body along with his fuzzy blond body made my recently-New Yorker primal mind not so keen, or at least it wasn't heavily entertained. Until he made his move.
(His charisma, I admit, gave me a little interest. So, I started to dress up a little better at rehearsals -- subtly tighter t-shirts, and even almost-formal, flattering clothing.)
I noticed that, despite his feverish popularity, whenever we were in some part of the room in a tighter circle and someone said something funny, he began making eye contact with me when we'd find ourselves laughing, as if he were sharing it with me. I found it friendly and I hadn't even seen it as flirtatious at the time -- just ambiguous, and, well, friendly. How wrong I was.
It was more clear he was putting on the moves in one particular rehearsal we had. My 'theater-activity' (bear with me, not-artsy-job people) was to go to a couple of people scattered around the rehearsal, reveal something controversial about myself, and expect them to do the same. I went up to him and some other guy. I said, "I used to get anxiety when a guy would come on me." He said without breaking eye contact, "After I eat, my tendency is to masturbate."
The interactive, spontaneous, experimental tasks continued. Our tasks involved at least one other person, and for most of his, he would come to me -- especially those involving exercise that showed off physical prowess ("can you do 30 push-ups with me?"), ridiculous/comic exercise (me: "wait, is this how you do a jumping jack?" him: "...no" me: "lol" ), surprise-tying a rope around my neck from behind, and him twerking against my leg as Miley Cyrus until he had me trapped in a corner. When we were sitting down, he made sure any passing of objects between us involved our fingers grazing ("kino" being the PUA term), and he always kept our conversation as sexual as he could ("[showing me a picture he took during weird-activity-doing of another castmember on his phone] This looks like it could be a Grindr pic").
What was key was that I didn't return his moves, remaining the passive, because sexual polarity (masculine/feminine) is essential for attraction to occur and be maintained, as we learned in our previous article.
But what's crazy is he wasn't coming in like a wrecking ball! He was making his motives pretty clear, building rapport in such an aggressive way that wasn't boundary-crossing, and making myself familiar to his presence -- even needing it, I learned!
We had a second rehearsal later the same day. I naturally wondered if he would continue to be persistent -- maybe he got bored! The rehearsal was a lot more about sitting, and when he came in after I did, he took the seat right next to mine. He would put his hand naturally on my back whenever he was talking about us as a group or whenever it was even mildly appropriate, and I felt my own feelings of, "Wait, is this guy still after me?" become assuaged by his physical assurance.
So he had done three things with the, well, attention he had given me early -- made me get used to it and nearly take it for granted, made me continue to want it, and feel relief whenever he continued to give me the attention. It was a mini-drug (no worries, I wasn't hopelessly hooked). Now THAT is true game.
As the show approached, he would do other things, like ask if I'd follow him to help try on a costume, or as PUA calls it, "moving someone to another place" ("Huh? Help you try something on?! Noo-ooo!!" "I mean just see if it's a good fit." "Oh haha, sure thing"), and walk up to me when we were all standing around about to make our entrances, making a clever comment about the flesh-colored underwear he thought would befit the costume he had on. Again, almost always sexual material in conversation, almost pushing boundaries -- not enough to be creepy, but just the right amount to make his interests clear in a socially acceptable way!
By being aggressive, this guy was ascertaining his masculinity with me, showing he wasn't afraid to back down, that he wasn't afraid of me, and that he goes for what he wants! If I had shown even a little more than a hint that I was interested in him, the fun would've been gone, I would've seemed too eager, and he would've stopped putting on the moves (indeed, whenever he caught me looking at him his reaction was just to turn away as if he couldn't care less -- and then he'd continue hitting on me!).
What's crazy is that during our first rehearsal together, I wasn't seeing him as much as a sexual/romantic option as much as a very cool person who could potentially out-cool me in any moment. What a turning of the tables a little desire and taking care of one's appearance can do! If you ever feel you're going to be AMOG'd or intimidated by another gay guy, it can be very useful to keep your moments together hot.
Honestly, I don't see our relationship going towards anything serious -- it could be a game for him, as it basically is for me. On the other hand, I have no shortage of interest in documenting how a guy with status hits on me, since that's useful for me for whenever I decide to take on that role with another guy. Why fall short on practice?
If you like someone and you want to make a distinct move, prepare to be the guy in the relationship -- the masculine counterpart. If you like someone but you don't see yourself as the pursuer and don't want to bring out your partner's feminine side, but rather his masculine, then show just a little interest and see if he caves.
Now that the show we were rehearsing for is over, he's taken to Facebook liking and commenting on my stuff -- not on every single item I post, of course (there is such thing as being too eager on the masculine front of the pursuit), but only on outrageous items I post that would believably merit his approval. Facebook will be covered in depth in a future post. Follow the blog to keep your game sharp and for necessary review.
Happy hunting, my brothers.
I had had virtually no interest in him, and he changed my body chemistry towards him through exquisitely executed attraction tactics. The guy was chasing me, and I learned lots as he executed some fine masculine/active/top same-sex game that stimulated me wholly. Useful not just for gay guys, but also straight ones!
We had known each other for some time through friends at school. Others thought he was cute and made note of his supple body when he came up in conversation, but I personally wasn't bought. If there was a buying factor for me though, it was his popularity and charisma.
This guy went off like a rocket in all his theater classes and built a huge reputation for his forwardness, charm, and natural leadership abilities. He makes sure he has a hell of a time at any social gathering, and everyone else naturally enters his reality. In business/collaborative settings (such as a recurring project we worked on together), he's often the loudest and clearest speaker in the room, but also the one most likely to respond to ideas (or mandates) with almost brow-raising affirmatives like "Awesome" or "I love it," in a setting where overtly suggesting your feedback may hold more weight than everyone else's is taboo. His first day on the project, he was the newest guy in the room, yet he managed to make the person in charge of going over material with him seem as if she was presenting the material for his approval, instead of accepting a frame where his title was, "Clueless guy who obligingly and sweetly accepts what is given to him and the status quo."
Needless to say, all of these traits caught my interest.
Regardless, his not-bodybuilder-body along with his fuzzy blond body made my recently-New Yorker primal mind not so keen, or at least it wasn't heavily entertained. Until he made his move.
(His charisma, I admit, gave me a little interest. So, I started to dress up a little better at rehearsals -- subtly tighter t-shirts, and even almost-formal, flattering clothing.)
I noticed that, despite his feverish popularity, whenever we were in some part of the room in a tighter circle and someone said something funny, he began making eye contact with me when we'd find ourselves laughing, as if he were sharing it with me. I found it friendly and I hadn't even seen it as flirtatious at the time -- just ambiguous, and, well, friendly. How wrong I was.
It was more clear he was putting on the moves in one particular rehearsal we had. My 'theater-activity' (bear with me, not-artsy-job people) was to go to a couple of people scattered around the rehearsal, reveal something controversial about myself, and expect them to do the same. I went up to him and some other guy. I said, "I used to get anxiety when a guy would come on me." He said without breaking eye contact, "After I eat, my tendency is to masturbate."
The interactive, spontaneous, experimental tasks continued. Our tasks involved at least one other person, and for most of his, he would come to me -- especially those involving exercise that showed off physical prowess ("can you do 30 push-ups with me?"), ridiculous/comic exercise (me: "wait, is this how you do a jumping jack?" him: "...no" me: "lol" ), surprise-tying a rope around my neck from behind, and him twerking against my leg as Miley Cyrus until he had me trapped in a corner. When we were sitting down, he made sure any passing of objects between us involved our fingers grazing ("kino" being the PUA term), and he always kept our conversation as sexual as he could ("[showing me a picture he took during weird-activity-doing of another castmember on his phone] This looks like it could be a Grindr pic").
What was key was that I didn't return his moves, remaining the passive, because sexual polarity (masculine/feminine) is essential for attraction to occur and be maintained, as we learned in our previous article.
But what's crazy is he wasn't coming in like a wrecking ball! He was making his motives pretty clear, building rapport in such an aggressive way that wasn't boundary-crossing, and making myself familiar to his presence -- even needing it, I learned!
We had a second rehearsal later the same day. I naturally wondered if he would continue to be persistent -- maybe he got bored! The rehearsal was a lot more about sitting, and when he came in after I did, he took the seat right next to mine. He would put his hand naturally on my back whenever he was talking about us as a group or whenever it was even mildly appropriate, and I felt my own feelings of, "Wait, is this guy still after me?" become assuaged by his physical assurance.
So he had done three things with the, well, attention he had given me early -- made me get used to it and nearly take it for granted, made me continue to want it, and feel relief whenever he continued to give me the attention. It was a mini-drug (no worries, I wasn't hopelessly hooked). Now THAT is true game.
As the show approached, he would do other things, like ask if I'd follow him to help try on a costume, or as PUA calls it, "moving someone to another place" ("Huh? Help you try something on?! Noo-ooo!!" "I mean just see if it's a good fit." "Oh haha, sure thing"), and walk up to me when we were all standing around about to make our entrances, making a clever comment about the flesh-colored underwear he thought would befit the costume he had on. Again, almost always sexual material in conversation, almost pushing boundaries -- not enough to be creepy, but just the right amount to make his interests clear in a socially acceptable way!
By being aggressive, this guy was ascertaining his masculinity with me, showing he wasn't afraid to back down, that he wasn't afraid of me, and that he goes for what he wants! If I had shown even a little more than a hint that I was interested in him, the fun would've been gone, I would've seemed too eager, and he would've stopped putting on the moves (indeed, whenever he caught me looking at him his reaction was just to turn away as if he couldn't care less -- and then he'd continue hitting on me!).
What's crazy is that during our first rehearsal together, I wasn't seeing him as much as a sexual/romantic option as much as a very cool person who could potentially out-cool me in any moment. What a turning of the tables a little desire and taking care of one's appearance can do! If you ever feel you're going to be AMOG'd or intimidated by another gay guy, it can be very useful to keep your moments together hot.
Honestly, I don't see our relationship going towards anything serious -- it could be a game for him, as it basically is for me. On the other hand, I have no shortage of interest in documenting how a guy with status hits on me, since that's useful for me for whenever I decide to take on that role with another guy. Why fall short on practice?
If you like someone and you want to make a distinct move, prepare to be the guy in the relationship -- the masculine counterpart. If you like someone but you don't see yourself as the pursuer and don't want to bring out your partner's feminine side, but rather his masculine, then show just a little interest and see if he caves.
Now that the show we were rehearsing for is over, he's taken to Facebook liking and commenting on my stuff -- not on every single item I post, of course (there is such thing as being too eager on the masculine front of the pursuit), but only on outrageous items I post that would believably merit his approval. Facebook will be covered in depth in a future post. Follow the blog to keep your game sharp and for necessary review.
Happy hunting, my brothers.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Getting (or Receiving) the Guy: The Chase and Sexual Polarity
If my romantic and sexual experiences in college taught me anything, it's that lots of guys who like guys have no idea how to manage someone else's attraction for them, or how to make it happen between them at all.
I stumbled upon an amazing book on my Facebook news feed about a year ago when I needed clarification myself. A sassy lady-acquaintance of mine posted it after she read it saying, "Well, I haven't been doing dating right at all." After getting my own copy, I found that I hadn't really, either, unless by instinct.
In case you're wondering, the book (Not Your Mother's Rules) is supposed to be for girls on how to keep a guy interested -- and I'm a dude who likes dudes.
It has been an amazing manual for me on how to keep a 'masculine' guy around. Or, how to keep a guy interested and behaving in a 'masculine' way. The rest of the post illustrates how I think it's useful (ahem, essential) for a guy who's into a -- there's that word again -- 'masculine' guy.
When I say "masculine," I'm not necessarily talking about football throwing, ball-scratching, toothpick-in-teeth behavior. I'm actually talking about that masculine vulnerability which is secretly what masculinity is. I'm talking about the impulse to give someone protection, and to let him know that he's being thought of in a way that suggests romantic and sexual exclusivity. It's the masculine spark that demands a lot of confidence, because it takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there like that -- but it's so damn sexy when it happens, because it demonstrates strength.
Confidence = Vulnerability. (In the 'masculine' sense.)
Think about what turns you on about a guy. Not just any guy, but keep one or two in mind. I'll venture to say there are two types of attraction, within the romantic realm (I'm not talking about a viable hookup option).
There are the kinds of guys who we want to sweep us off of our feet. The ones with the puffed out chest, the go-getters -- you know who I mean. They may exist more in our imagination than in reality, but both are still valid because dating is pure psychology.
Then there are the cute, more bottom-y ones that sometimes make us feel manly who, unless they act too clingy, we want to take care of, at a gut level.
Homosexual men, or any group of guys, cannot be so simply divided into these categories. But both of these archetypal guys, who we perceive others to be and who we see ourselves as sometimes, are the result of successful gay game.
When a 'masculine' guy shows signs of anxiety or weakness, he loses that cologne about him.
When a 'feminine' guy gets clingy, he is no longer the prize we had made him out to be.
"Well, this has been fun. Let's get a drink sometime soon."
"I'll give you a call when you're back in the area."
"We should do this again."
Look at the quotes above, and imagine your Prince Eric telling you something like that. Swoon, you went. Sigh, we go.
Now imagine one of those lighter-and-whispy-haired, innocent-faced guys with the cute butt. His smile with his girl friends (don't let me be misunderstood, I'm talking about a homosexual here), which is incredibly sweet, looks more like something you'd put on a Hallmark birthday card than a facsimile of some devil-may-care, cockeyed gay-man-izer. With this innocent example, I'm not even talking about a weak/insecure guy (yet...that'll be a post in the future); just a poised, more feminine guy.
Imagine that great-skinned, Fierce-smelling, tight-jeaned guy asking you out. Hot, right? 100% bangable. The problem?
It's only an ego-boost for us, and a potential lay. We don't want to date him, at least not for too long.
Huh? How can that be? We're politically correct. In fact, this post is not a cry against feminine guys, or feminine guys' agency. We see guys like that in relationships all the time. So what is being suggested?
That passive guys, or guys who find themselves interested in someone who they want as the more masculine partner, can't pursue someone without regretting it.
Wait, you are hopefully thinking. Am I that guy? One of them? Both of them? Neither?
The truth is... sometimes you are, and sometimes you are not. Our masculine/feminine polarities often change with who we are (as in, immediate surroundings...and also who we are romantically with), and how attracted we are to the guy.
When we are attracted to a manly guy, we might tease, act sassy around him, and maybe even pursue him. Anyone familiar with the chase may well know it works out better when, heterosexually speaking, the guy makes the first move. While true, we might be tempted to think that chasing goes either way between guys showing interest to one another.
Not so.
Sassy-flirty behavior is instinctually telling a guy, Come and chase me. It doesn't work because you are chasing him, confusing the polarity. You are saying, "Do that masculine thing where you prove yourself to me. I'm interested. Go ahead, show me who you are. I'm interested." It's paradoxical because you don't need him to show you what he's got; you're already interested. Therefore it's actually annoying and not helpful to getting you guys anywhere, unless you just want to have him for a night.
So when the part of us that yearns, whether always or on occasion, to be taken care of by the king of the jungle types, the best tactic? Do nothing. Let him see you as the type that gets pursued.
Let it be his idea.
And when we're attracted to the more 'feminine' guy? You guessed it. Go up to him and act like a player. Be forward. Dare to put your hand through his hair. Touch his hands. Show confidence (even if you're scared shitless). Make him laugh. Smile. Be cocky. Cross boundaries here and there with a smile and a "just kidding, just kidding!" Guys who inspire our masculine with their femininity need to be charmed. If they're into us, they wouldn't have it any other way. That is how the attraction current flows in its most proper form.
Another big sexual polarity mistake: matching vulnerability with vulnerability.
"Hey you," he says. "It meant so much that you came to see my game."
"Of course!" you can say. "I'm so glad I finally saw you play."
The example above is fine. As the feminine side of the magnetic pull, it's not your place to ask him out. Trust me, I've been there and the long-term results aren't pretty. If he made the first move and has since pursued you, let him do that. If you do his job for him, he'll get bored, feel something's not right, and move on.
Confidence = Sexiness = Vulnerability (for the pursuer).
Confidence = Sexiness = Trust (for the one being chased).
Best tactic for masculine counterpart: being forward. (Scary, because of fear of rejection.)
Worst tactic for masculine counterpart: being hesitant. (Comes from fear of rejection.)
Best tactic for feminine counterpart: doing nothing. (Scary because you want to make sure it's still on.)
Worst tactic for feminine counterpart: being forward. (Comes from fear of relationship slipping away.)
These rules are especially true for player-types. A guy used to picking up guys relishes a really hard-to-get guy if he's a pursuer, or he wants someone who will effortlessly call him and have no problem going after what they want.
I have a story about a pursuer who got my interest from 0 to 60 simply with his subtle but persistent forwardness; but that'll be for a future post.
Does this mean that if you're more masculine/feminine in your mannerisms or interests, that you are doomed to one set of these dating tactics? No. You have no idea if you're going to meet an American Pie you want to ravage to adorable smithereens, or a Hercules you want to carry you over the threshold (lolz). It has less to do with how you're perceived by others or yourself in your daily life, and more about what an individual guy inspires in you. Familiarize yourself with both sides of the game, put them into practice, and get the guy.
Since this is my first blog post, I feel like I'm spilling everything at once. It's a lot to take in! Hopefully ideas and dating concepts will be brought up with more clarity and fluidity in the future. This is just a taste of what's to come.
'Til next time, my brothers.
I stumbled upon an amazing book on my Facebook news feed about a year ago when I needed clarification myself. A sassy lady-acquaintance of mine posted it after she read it saying, "Well, I haven't been doing dating right at all." After getting my own copy, I found that I hadn't really, either, unless by instinct.
In case you're wondering, the book (Not Your Mother's Rules) is supposed to be for girls on how to keep a guy interested -- and I'm a dude who likes dudes.
It has been an amazing manual for me on how to keep a 'masculine' guy around. Or, how to keep a guy interested and behaving in a 'masculine' way. The rest of the post illustrates how I think it's useful (ahem, essential) for a guy who's into a -- there's that word again -- 'masculine' guy.
When I say "masculine," I'm not necessarily talking about football throwing, ball-scratching, toothpick-in-teeth behavior. I'm actually talking about that masculine vulnerability which is secretly what masculinity is. I'm talking about the impulse to give someone protection, and to let him know that he's being thought of in a way that suggests romantic and sexual exclusivity. It's the masculine spark that demands a lot of confidence, because it takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there like that -- but it's so damn sexy when it happens, because it demonstrates strength.
Confidence = Vulnerability. (In the 'masculine' sense.)
Think about what turns you on about a guy. Not just any guy, but keep one or two in mind. I'll venture to say there are two types of attraction, within the romantic realm (I'm not talking about a viable hookup option).
There are the kinds of guys who we want to sweep us off of our feet. The ones with the puffed out chest, the go-getters -- you know who I mean. They may exist more in our imagination than in reality, but both are still valid because dating is pure psychology.
Then there are the cute, more bottom-y ones that sometimes make us feel manly who, unless they act too clingy, we want to take care of, at a gut level.
Homosexual men, or any group of guys, cannot be so simply divided into these categories. But both of these archetypal guys, who we perceive others to be and who we see ourselves as sometimes, are the result of successful gay game.
When a 'masculine' guy shows signs of anxiety or weakness, he loses that cologne about him.
When a 'feminine' guy gets clingy, he is no longer the prize we had made him out to be.
"Well, this has been fun. Let's get a drink sometime soon."
"I'll give you a call when you're back in the area."
"We should do this again."
Look at the quotes above, and imagine your Prince Eric telling you something like that. Swoon, you went. Sigh, we go.
Now imagine one of those lighter-and-whispy-haired, innocent-faced guys with the cute butt. His smile with his girl friends (don't let me be misunderstood, I'm talking about a homosexual here), which is incredibly sweet, looks more like something you'd put on a Hallmark birthday card than a facsimile of some devil-may-care, cockeyed gay-man-izer. With this innocent example, I'm not even talking about a weak/insecure guy (yet...that'll be a post in the future); just a poised, more feminine guy.
Imagine that great-skinned, Fierce-smelling, tight-jeaned guy asking you out. Hot, right? 100% bangable. The problem?
It's only an ego-boost for us, and a potential lay. We don't want to date him, at least not for too long.
Huh? How can that be? We're politically correct. In fact, this post is not a cry against feminine guys, or feminine guys' agency. We see guys like that in relationships all the time. So what is being suggested?
That passive guys, or guys who find themselves interested in someone who they want as the more masculine partner, can't pursue someone without regretting it.
Wait, you are hopefully thinking. Am I that guy? One of them? Both of them? Neither?
The truth is... sometimes you are, and sometimes you are not. Our masculine/feminine polarities often change with who we are (as in, immediate surroundings...and also who we are romantically with), and how attracted we are to the guy.
When we are attracted to a manly guy, we might tease, act sassy around him, and maybe even pursue him. Anyone familiar with the chase may well know it works out better when, heterosexually speaking, the guy makes the first move. While true, we might be tempted to think that chasing goes either way between guys showing interest to one another.
Not so.
Sassy-flirty behavior is instinctually telling a guy, Come and chase me. It doesn't work because you are chasing him, confusing the polarity. You are saying, "Do that masculine thing where you prove yourself to me. I'm interested. Go ahead, show me who you are. I'm interested." It's paradoxical because you don't need him to show you what he's got; you're already interested. Therefore it's actually annoying and not helpful to getting you guys anywhere, unless you just want to have him for a night.
So when the part of us that yearns, whether always or on occasion, to be taken care of by the king of the jungle types, the best tactic? Do nothing. Let him see you as the type that gets pursued.
Let it be his idea.
And when we're attracted to the more 'feminine' guy? You guessed it. Go up to him and act like a player. Be forward. Dare to put your hand through his hair. Touch his hands. Show confidence (even if you're scared shitless). Make him laugh. Smile. Be cocky. Cross boundaries here and there with a smile and a "just kidding, just kidding!" Guys who inspire our masculine with their femininity need to be charmed. If they're into us, they wouldn't have it any other way. That is how the attraction current flows in its most proper form.
Another big sexual polarity mistake: matching vulnerability with vulnerability.
"Hey you," he says. "It meant so much that you came to see my game."
"Of course!" you can say. "I'm so glad I finally saw you play."
The example above is fine. As the feminine side of the magnetic pull, it's not your place to ask him out. Trust me, I've been there and the long-term results aren't pretty. If he made the first move and has since pursued you, let him do that. If you do his job for him, he'll get bored, feel something's not right, and move on.
Confidence = Sexiness = Vulnerability (for the pursuer).
Confidence = Sexiness = Trust (for the one being chased).
Best tactic for masculine counterpart: being forward. (Scary, because of fear of rejection.)
Worst tactic for masculine counterpart: being hesitant. (Comes from fear of rejection.)
Best tactic for feminine counterpart: doing nothing. (Scary because you want to make sure it's still on.)
Worst tactic for feminine counterpart: being forward. (Comes from fear of relationship slipping away.)
These rules are especially true for player-types. A guy used to picking up guys relishes a really hard-to-get guy if he's a pursuer, or he wants someone who will effortlessly call him and have no problem going after what they want.
I have a story about a pursuer who got my interest from 0 to 60 simply with his subtle but persistent forwardness; but that'll be for a future post.
Does this mean that if you're more masculine/feminine in your mannerisms or interests, that you are doomed to one set of these dating tactics? No. You have no idea if you're going to meet an American Pie you want to ravage to adorable smithereens, or a Hercules you want to carry you over the threshold (lolz). It has less to do with how you're perceived by others or yourself in your daily life, and more about what an individual guy inspires in you. Familiarize yourself with both sides of the game, put them into practice, and get the guy.
Since this is my first blog post, I feel like I'm spilling everything at once. It's a lot to take in! Hopefully ideas and dating concepts will be brought up with more clarity and fluidity in the future. This is just a taste of what's to come.
'Til next time, my brothers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)