Working out your purpose but also being a "good person"

If my interest in the energy between sexual partners is any indication, I'm fascinated by the potential emotional forces inside us that bring out the best and most sexual and awesome in ourselves and others.

I'm also interested in Purpose and Unity in Purpose.

But I grew interest in Universal Compassion, an idea seen by many to be imaginary (and myself too mostly), but this interest largely conflicted, I thought, with my power/fame/money/muscles/success/player purpose.

I have an alchemical practice that's enabled me to really get in touch with my fire; the technique is a topic for another blog and I'll let you know if that happens. After a successful night of permanently burning off a chunk of anxiety and depression, a feeling of love towards everything is in all circumstances underneath it; it grows, outstretches, and then my personality (personality = unprocessed experiences that are distortions of that one true love) takes a positive shift and a portion of my real, true self comes back, permanently.

With those experiences under my belt, it's become clear to me that even when removing the veil of religion -- a genre of institutions that ultimately seek to control -- the message from the ancients and my unbridled soul at its most pure is the same: we are love, our purpose is love. But fuck, I want money and bitches. (Don't worry, there's a happy ending for us.)

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me... The word is so overused and broad that it can mean to take a great interest in something, to fall in love with someone romantically and sexually (dependency/infatuation), to feel affection towards a friend (fraternity), and the ultimate material the universe is made of (hippie dippie shit I believe, but you don't have to in order to get the thrust of this article). Let's concern ourselves with the most frustrating version:

Universal Altruism.

(Shudder.)

I do occasionally find myself feeling compassion for people involved in some atrocity, and my conversation style is steeped in sympathy when it needs to be, but the sensation is as fleeting as any other feeling, even if it is more profound.

What's been most frustrating about this is that while I WANT UNITY OF PURPOSE, in my day to day life I'm more interested in growing and becoming BETTER and more VALUABLE (as we should be!). So if we are all distortions of love and love is the true thing, but most of our drives are deliciously self-interested, but being a monk with nothing sucks, and giving out handouts is also unfulfilling, which is the right direction??

Then it came to me.

We weren't made to become professional leech-assistants. That's what I was afraid of, in my thought process of how to think and react towards the needy parts of the world. I was afraid that being big-hearted meant that I would have to stop what I wanted to do, and help others get their footing until everyone was all caught up.

The intelligence behind the universe is staggering: the atmosphere and alignment of the planets is just perfect enough for humans to survive, and even Richard Dawkins in "The Selfish Gene" pointed out that even if we had all the years that we understand the universe to have existed, it still makes no sense that something as complex as Man could be happening right now, or perhaps ever. So I'll use the unforgivable idea that a mind is responsible for the universe JUST so I can make this point: What kind of intelligence would make a group of beings so it could just help other beings that couldn't help themselves? And in a universe in which everyone attained happiness, what on earth are they GOOD FOR if they were built just to help the less fortunate? Once they were ALL HAPPY, where does their 'altruistic true programming' go from there??

It goes to show that BUILDING YOURSELF IS YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. OTHERS' HAPPINESS IS NOT YOUR JOB.

Compassion is an amazing feeling. When it happens and it's genuine, you should act on it because you WANT to act on it. Doing compassionate things out of a "sense of duty" feels like slapping yourself in the face. You are probably giving a man a fish instead of teaching a man to fish when you feel that way. Follow your fire; it purifies everything. And when it wants to teach out of charity, it wants to teach efficiently so you produce ANOTHER being that is ALSO SELF-RELIANT.

There are evil "purposes," of course, such as a goal to inflict prolonged pain on a group of people because it would get you off. That's what happens when the "input" you got, that is, incredibly shitty childhood with parents with similar goals, don't get processed out of your system by absorbing and letting go of shitty experiences. As a messed up person, your convoluted intention behind your 'fire' is to go ahead and do that crazy shit, so that'd be an example of a shitty purpose.

But let's assume your purpose isn't evil and a cry for help -- you want stuff, and to feel good about yourself, and a status that make those lower in vibration feel envy.

Follow your Purpose. Do your thing. You'll help others along the way. That is, if they deserve it.

I'm not talking about the poor and "whether they deserve it"; there are poor people who were as comfortable as you or I and got the carpet pulled from under them and have nowhere to go. I'm okay with taxes going towards unemployment for that reason. But let's put that aside for now and talk about serious leeches, of society and of you personally.

My public/non-anonymous persona has had a jump in the fame chart: earned a verified check on my Facebook page and getting a lot of "fans." Every single day I have someone message me, "Hey, can you do something for me?" The irony is staggering. It's not that I'm getting arrogant and starting to think, "Who are you to ask big mister me?", but instead, my internal monologue goes, "Who are you or ANYONE to ask if you can take something from someone else and not offer something in return?" To assume you don't have value is the end of your value.

Some of us want a hand when we're down, but when we get up, not all of us want to become Mother Theresas. The homeless person you clothe and feed today won't necessarily do that for others. Does that mean you shouldn't be compassionate when the impulse is healthy and aligned with your values? No, you can be. But it does mean that you should realize that ULTIMATELY, EVERYONE WANTS TO BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF THEMSELVES, AND THAT IS OUR FINAL MISSION -- EVERYONE'S WORLD IS ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR GOALS/GOD.

So in short, no, fulfilling your dream to be a Wall Street wolf or an It guy or a DJ whose DNA is inside all the jumping bottoms is not "selfish." Serve by becoming an example to others. Sounds like a great way to serve without getting leeches. Grow. When you have the chance to really be compassionate, you'll be glad to have been selected for the mission (by your own self) because it'll feel great. You'll teach a man to fish, not give him fish. You'll let YOUR Power and Influence do something that brings harmony and vibrancy to the lucky person or people of your choices. Bitches love harmony. (Ha, no they don't. On that note...)

Breaking hearts? If you're doing it literally on purpose, there's something very shitty eating your soul that is making heartbreaking interesting to you, so your 'bad karma' 'has already been served' ahead of time in the form of your tarnished insides. On the other hand, if you're simply interested in a guy and lose interest and your departure causes him to wonder what the meaning of life is, that's him dealing with feelings that he's already had inside that are surfacing. Help him out if you want to, not that there's anything you can really do. Is sticking around as if you were his boyfriend really going to help him in the long run?

All right. You're already "good." Now go get what you want.

How to Fuck a Guy Like a Man (or, Every Moment is Sex When You're Masculine, or you're at least trying to be)

This revelation (the one between parentheses in the title) blew my mind. Allow me to extrapolate before I seem too ridiculous.

A little over a year ago I was finishing with packing my bags to fly to see family, but a hot guy I'd been talking to on Grindr was in the hood and had a free minute. He came over, smooth tan muscular taller, took his shirt off. As he naturally established dominance and I became submissive to his chiseled body and naturally more aggressive foreplay, I slowly let myself sink into the joy of becoming his plaything.

He stuck his arm around my hips while we were jacking off or kissing and it felt amazing. It made the feeling of warmth and security come out from my chest, which is a lot of fun if you're not too easily attached. Nothing makes a bottom feel more loved than another guy's testosterone-filled, not-necessarily-loving intentions.

But the arm-hip thing is what I thought I loved about that.

At one point I pushed my hand into his bicep for balance and panted, "Do that thing where you stick your arm around my waist again." He was happy to oblige, but as manly and natural as the gesture was, the oxytocin (love chemical) didn't happen again.

Huh? Was it an in-the-moment thing? I'd given myself plenty of time for my flight, so it wasn't stress.

I wasn't a drama king about it; we continued having sex and he deliciously came all over me, and my come followed his right after; the come looked like a father eel taking a dive and his baby eel following suit (lol). Semen famously has mixed reviews, but when you're into the dominant guy, you want it like Gogurt, and a dominant guy who's into you wants to splooge his all over in/you; none of this polite nonsense of coming out of sight into condoms. After our breath settled, his bigger, darker hand gently grabbed mine and he guided it around my ripply torso, and it was the first time I massaged another guy's seed into mine. If you want to fill a bottom with that love chemical (oxytocin) and get him ready for round two, that's how.

During that shag or another, I realized it wasn't just in themselves his hand clasping my hip or him massaging our come that brought my body chemistry to life, but his masculine desire to do those things that was so hot about the experience.

His desire to hold me and have me belong a little more to him during a sloppy kiss.

The desire in his eyes as he scanned my body and rubbed himself out on me.

His desire to fertilize me with his seed, so I would symbolically bring his young to bear.

What this specific kind of desire consists of:
1) it's masculine/assertive/dominant
2) it's exactly how he likes it

I always like it when he, the masculine, does what he wants with me, the feminine. His act of satisfying himself with me is my own victory.


THIS REQUIRES SOMEONE DESIRING TO BE THE EPITOME OF MASCULINITY TO ALWAYS BE FAMILIAR AND INCREDIBLY AWARE OF HIS DESIRE.

It's a flame inside you; it's not you.

I was able to replicate this with a French boy who had the pleasure of riding me one evening; I was 'top' and he was 'bottom', no penetration.

The experience of being great at being masculine during sex is that you do exactly what you want. That doesn't mean you brainstorm and choose at random instead of someone else choosing for you; it means you have to be in touch with that fire that has a mind of its own.

During sex with Pierre (his real name, not being fresh), I remember never knowing what I was going to do next until I was doing it, as if I were watching myself act. My eyes were glazed over because my consciousness was in my belly and balls; he was looking at me expectantly and wanting to please, a little afraid from my gaze that I would say at any moment, "let's not." I remember how delicious, veiny, smooth, and innocent his throat looked. I spent a good three minutes chewing it all raw, and made it familiar with my dick, while he helplessly tried to land his mouth on my penis, while I made sure that didn't happen until I wanted it to. Later I had fun pressing my dick on parts of him that were hot (to me) and like they could take a shot of seed. ("Oh mai got...oh mai got...")

The sensation of banging a masculine guy who's following his fire, and being the lucky feminine guy who is the means to which the 'top' can execute and explore his fire, is a holy experience for the 'bottom.'

The feminine (the bottom) wants to feel desired in the most authentic way that someone's masculine fire (the top) expresses that desire. That's it.

During one of my first experiences as a top, I thought I was fucking this guy until I realized I wasn't inside of him. He said "I didn't tell you because I don't like getting penetrated, but I like feeling dominated." (He likes feeling a guy's firey desire for him, and to have that masculine energy desire go straight towards him.)

When you play Big Man, your submissive boy, while able to share this experience with you humanly and perhaps lovingly, is still a means to the end of your ejaculation and bearing your sure-to-be-strong children, which is his primal prerogative in the heat of passion. You see him like a pretty piece of meat, you talk to him like a semen-absorbent, gorgeous piece of meat (while keeping peace of mind and making sure he doesn't think he's landed a serial killer), and he'll enjoy that because he feels your desire oozing over him like a semen ocean that keeps him safe from the horrors out in the world. He's gonna have kids from a competent gene pool, and his daddy's a badass -- oops, he means, his future kids' daddy.

With light-eyed, blond, smooth, submissive-to-me boys, when I'm jacking off on them and my face is close to their ear, particularly at night and under sheets, I'll whisper how I want to get them pregnant, how fertile they are, telling them I wanna be the daddy to their kids, biting at their neck, mouth, nose. As creepy and weird as this sounds out of context, these theater and PR boys will smile at me sweetly and in all instances whisper, "Do you have a condom?" (Translation: Will you please fuck your seed into me now?)

The more you are in touch with your fire, the more your boy toy is excited to help the fire out. Everyone has fire; only some are the most in touch with it, and those are the worthy ones (alphas) ready to bring the light of the next generation. Your casual bottom partner might not be thinking of what your kids will look like during sex, but your masculine presence pressing against him elicits a heart-filled fantasy that tempts him to sleep under your cocksure strength for a thousand and one nights.

You are a warrior-like channel for your carnal desire when you are at your best masculine fucking.

If your boy is screaming that he wants you to pull his hair, but you fancy giving him a hicky and pounding your dick under his package, guess what he's gonna be more excited for you to do now. A bottom isn't too excited about a top taking orders against his will. If you pleasing him about that particular thing he pleads for is hot to you, go ahead -- it's okay because you're Obeying Your Fire. To him it'll ideally feel like he asked for one thing and you did something else, even though you did what he asked. Your tiger is out of the bag, there's nothing he can do about it, and you can feel him shaking slightly; he's terrified and loving every second.

When you're the feminine guy, you'll learn (or already know) how fun it is when a guy wants you. That's all you want during that transaction. To be wanted. (By a hot guy.) Don't tell him to find his fire. You can cheat into more polarized positioning where he's more masculine and you're more feminine. Then let it flow.

Okay, and WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH EVERY MOMENT IN LIFE BEING SEX?!

Your fire doesn't only exist when you're gasping between sheets.

I have a lot of fun as a submissive guy to bigger guys, I think all gay guys should experience that, but, I still think that by default, a gay guy will be happiest living a masculine lifestyle at the bare minimum sense of: taking his own direction, making sure he's working towards what he wants, living with what he wants, and setting proper boundaries against what he doesn't want.

That also requires being in touch with your fire. It's the same fire.

If you want swag, be in touch with your fire.
If you want to lose your social anxiety, get in touch with your fire.
If you want to be an oak tree and less of a spaz, get in touch with your fire.
If you want to be the alpha male, get in touch with your fire.
If you want to be funny, get in touch with your fire.

When you approach a guy and you are officially the dominant personality, YOU HAVE ALREADY BEGUN HAVING SEX WITH HIM. Do what you feel like, but not to be an asshole on purpose. Unless your charm is set to 10, let your eyes glaze a bit and let's talk about what you feel like, and the stuff about him that you feel like. He's learning all he needs to about your girth in that moment. One time my approach at a club, I swooped in and told him he looked like an adorable wind-up toy. I dunno where that came from. Did I give a fuck? No. Did he ask that I "please stay" when I said I was walking? Yes.

A great life is like having sex as the more dominant guy. Touch what you want. Don't be nervous that he won't like it. He'll let you know if he's sensitive. His sensitivity is endearing. Does it make you wanna kiss him? Do it. He'll like it because you want to do it. Your desire is fucking hot, as the top. FIND IT. Oops we were talking about real life.

The difference between walking into a party submissively and making yourself seem less than others so everyone else is comfortable, and walking in to see who you really care about seeing and what you actually feel like doing and letting your energy shine towards that and allowing your fire and energy to magnetize what you want towards you, is that the latter is like walking into bed with a little 18 year old boy angel who wants you to fuck the shit out of him, and to make sure he can do everything he can in order for you to do that.
The second one is better.
Peace.

Number One Thing You'd Better Not Fuck Up

Brothers and babes:

Whether you're approaching or were approached on the dance floor, are in a relationship or about to be in one, there's one thing you must do. It's not the only thing, but it's nonetheless important:

1. Figure out who the 'guy' is.
2. Don't fuck it up.

I was texting a plate the other day who's in the military. He's pretty stoic in his texts and I usually become a shameless bouncy ball of energy when I talk with him; he's the oak tree in the relationship.

He's the guy.

I'm often the guy in other relationships. The other night I accrued a plate at a club who danced with/around me the whole night and went out to eat with me and my friends right afterward. I was the stoic fucker who approached him dead on and he was the one singing songs by Mariah Something and letting his hypergamy send him into orbits around me and my crew.

But with me and Military Man, he was always the guy in the relationship.

One time MM texted me that he was sick. I found myself going into "poor baby" mode, not in a condescending way; I was being my man's little helper in text message form. I wanted my man to know his li'l boy angel was thinking of him. Then he said something that made my skin crawl.

"Well I have nothing to worry about, I have a big man who can protect me." (Referring to me.)

Talk about a sexual polarity killer.

Plenty of guys tell me stuff like that, but they're my twinks, not my sexy daddies whose strength I subconsciously 'rely' on and whose displays of weakness give my reptilian brain the shivers.

Not to say it ended things. But that's probably because I can observe my romantic/sexual experiences, know where they're coming from, and once they happen, I can decide if the relationship's worth continuing.

Examples:

a) "He hasn't texted me back. BUT I WANT HIM SO MUCH. Well, that's not how it works. Abundance mentality, unsubscribe from posts, don't Like his stuff even if he starts pelting me with Likes as a result of my disappearance, but be nice in person. NEXT."

b) "What a turn-off, that thing he did!* Well, I have fun sleeping with him; you don't see pecs like that every day. I can overcome my momentary instincts in return for some sex that'll make my endorphins fly."

* Applies to beta moments your big boy has. Not him being an inexcusable dick. In that case, you cut contact.

You get the point.

But you might not be dating a cad as self-observant, game-aware, or who considers all options. Most humans are feeling-based, and even think that they're thinking when they're actually just feeling. Therefore, when dealing with the law of sexual polarity, tread with care.

Figure out (in your head, not in a conversation with him) who's the daddy and who's the son; figure out who's taking care of who; figure out who's the oak tree and who's the monkey. (Of course, an alpha in the pair can be high-energy; that sentence is mostly related to emotional volatility.) It's not always so black and white, but if you see a pattern, realize that the exchange of the relationship is very likely dependent on that dynamic continuing.

If you're the alpha male and he's your boy, realize that opening up too much about your feelings may put a damper on his attraction for you, even if he 'wouldn't do that.' (Remember it's not him doing it; it's generations of evolution that's done that to his brain.)

If you're the pretty boy princess and he's your bodybuilding stoic prince charming, there is less that you can do wrong in this sense, but if your occasional wound-licking for your man makes you out to be the caretaker or paternal/maternal figure, he might naturally exhibit some submissive/passive behavior that'll dry you up faster than dry ice sublimates. (And dry ice is a solid that turns into a gas, y'all!!!!11!11 Skippin' being the element water and shit.)

At the same time, don't overdo your role; you were a person before getting to know this good-looking dude, remember? Just because you're the alpha doesn't mean you should be completely distant or a tyrannical asshole. Just because you're not the manly one in charge doesn't mean he wants to be dating a drag queen, or that he doesn't need consolation once in a while.

Ok, good learning today. Time to make a cold approach.

Question from a reader: how important are consistent sexual roles in a relationship?

Hey, hows it going. I found your blog through alttrp and have read most of the posts. I thought I might get your opinion on something because it seems your ideas about gay relationships are mostly in line with mine.

How much do you think the actual sexual positions and acts between a couple reflect on their positions in the relationship. I'm with a guy and I'd say that I tend towards the more masculine role and he's more feminine. I work hard to maintain that dynamic because I think we both enjoy it that way. In sex he's been pretty excursively the bottom for me with the exception of one time.

Now I've read what you said about masculine and feminine feed back during sex. I enjoy the fact that he gives that feminine feedback when we fuck. I also know how to give that feedback myself when I'm was on the receiving end in a different relationship. But for some reason it feels wrong to me in this context.

Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex? I'd like to bottom once and a while, but I think it would just undermine my frame entirely. I think ultimately both he and I would be less happy in the relationship if I allowed myself to do that.

Hey there,

It sounds like you've bottomed with him once, so what happened when you did? What was it like during, shortly after, and since? The answer might be the knot that unfurls this whole thing. I think you should assume it would make things different, especially if you've been working hard on being dominant. If you feel a lingering father-child relationship with him where you're validating what he says, he asks you lots of questions about life and how you do things, it feels like he's playing around in the safety of your world, your builds clearly make you fit for your respective dom/sub roles, then you've clearly established dominance, and doing this would add a new flavor. (You could have also established your own mark of dominance without those exact symptoms.)

One situation I could imagine working, if I may be explicit, is if he tops you, but for him it's the same as him jacking off and not necessarily being your "new daddy," while you let out low grunts and elongated moans as the bottom -- I think elongation with low-toned vocality helps keep one dominant. I had a moment humping a muscle daddy's great ass but he was still absolutely dominant from the beginning to the end; not in a self-conscious way, but in how we responded to each other and what we ultimately wanted from each other (I was 18 and wanted to be swallowed under his muscles, he thought I was cute and was cool playing macho with me for an evening). It sounds like you're in tune with your feminine side when you bottom though, and stifling that can take the fun out of it. I don't think repressing what you want to do is the way to go, and that just messes up the circuitry/flow anyway.

You could alternatively bottom with him one night, and then act like nothing's changed afterward. You could pre-plan something you would do, for example, right after you finish, e.g., get right off the bed, pull up your pants, and lay flat on the bed on your phone (or in the big spoon position). It would feel like he was ultimately pleasing you, so you would still be top dog, giving him a "you did good" feeling, even pressing your dick against his butt when you're curled up together afterward so he knows what's up. Before you started the sex, you could smother him with your body, suck his neck, and with your mouth on his ear, tell him to pleasure you with his dick in your ass -- but again, that's taking the fun out of losing yourself in the feminine ecstasy of receiving. It could really just feel like he's jacking off in your asshole, so you'd keep frame, but not let your inner bitch out.

And that last approach would be a little tight, no pun intended, since it depends on frame. Have you considered getting fucked by someone else? How open is your relationship? It could really help you with this guy to sleep with someone else who is the top/dom while you're free as the wind as a sub/bottom for a night, or even longer. The other night I was with a pectoral-y guy, we established he was more top and I was more bottom, and after fumbling for a bit, we both lay on our backs. I jacked off with an arm around his neck and feeling his pecs, while he fingered me close to my ass but not quite there, pushing more and more firmly until I climaxed, while he jacked himself off with his other hand. The combination of feeling so much masculinity (he had poked his dick close to my ass while in the missionary position too) paired with my orgasm was the first time in a long time I was really 'out' of it after sex. My mind was profoundly blank and I didn't want to move. That's what orgasming should feel like for the feminine. And in your quest to get fucked, you should aim for that kind of experience. Again, it could help you keep frame as a top with this guy to let this out.

In the off-chance that he's been very curious to top, and you decide you won't bottom with him, you could, as an extreme resort, suggest he top someone else. Since his masculine-source is you, and he wouldn't likely be topping a very masculine guy (or feel the other guy was too masculine if he was doing so), it's not likely he would get attached with his new partner, and it could a) give him an outlet (if he even needs it) and b) increase his dread for you to your advantage, since you suggesting he have sex with someone else might give him light anxiety, which you could fuck away for him daddy-gonna-take-care-of-you style in the worst case. I've encouraged my long-distant, pretty-attached plate to sleep with other guys while we're not together, and it still works out (even though he's holding a decent masculine frame with me -- military, chill, to the point), though he is a little upset to basically know I'm with other guys.

Hope this is helpful, and definitely let me know what you decide to do, and how it turns out. Pics or it didn't happen!

-Chad

PS

"Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex?"

And now to actually answer your question...

This is hard. I don't think they're always so set. But it's important to know what are the dynamics holding attraction so you don't mess up should you decide to try something else. Their being set is kind of an ideal. When you see a twink-y guy with a more alpha guy, you know what's up. Don't forget that most gay guys just jack off with one another, though a masc/fem dynamic can still be held. And fucking the 'wrong way' shouldn't be treated like it would destroy chemistry in all cases. I've fucked a guy for ten minutes, got tired and admitted I wasn't so into topping him, then let him curl me up in his arms while I beat us off touching his huge muscles. What you -want- to do is probably right, if you catch my drift. If your relationship with this guy is really all about that masc/fem chemistry I'd highly consider getting topped by another fellow.

5 Reasons He's Not That Into You (Besides "Type")

You're ready for him. Why isn't he having it with you?


1. You're showing too much interest

We all want what we can't have, because if it doesn't want us, then it must be really awesome and better than us! This is how we think. Also, showing too much interest can be creepy. The sooner you stop back-to-back texting him, the more classy you can appear.


2. You don't rock the clothes (yet!)

Nothing says confidence like great taste in clothes that show off your body. Feeling good enough about yourself to show off is also an aphrodisiac.


3. You don't have the body (yet!)

Seriously, work out. Your body has ONE JOB.


4. You're nervous or socially awkward

Dating and mating is about finding the strongest and worthiest mate, when it comes to gay men. These traits, however, reek of powerlessness and lack of confidence. Fake it 'til you make it!


5. He's in love with someone else.

Oh, please.


But don't worry! We'll help you be a player beast so your feelings never have to be outcome-independent on one guy again -- because seriously, that's an attraction killer, as we mentioned, and most importantly, it's just not healthy.

Number One Rule of PUA: Do Not Talk About PUA and Demonstrating Low Social Value

Talking about PUA outside of forums and fellow real-life Pick Up Artists should be a big NO. It should be this way for a few reasons, and the one of utmost importance might not be the one that you're thinking.

This goes for ALL GUYS interested in or a part of PUA in any way.

Of course, you might be thinking that what I mean is, "Don't tell anyone that you're 'gaming' them, or that you read pick-up tactics online and then perform them when you're trying to pick them up, because it will be awkward since they'll know what you're up to." That's not exactly what I mean, although that is definitely something to consider when trying to earn a hottie's trust in the comfort stage of your pickup.

Like nerds who get really wrapped up in a video game they incessantly discuss with friends, i.e. nerds with particularly low social skills or low social experience, what tends to happen is that aspects of game or game itself begins to be referred as if everyone else you met knew what you were talking about, when they don't. This is a huge social devaluation of yourself, i.e., it makes you look like a huge loser.

I'll formulate a harmless example and then lead into instances I have seen master PUAs make this blunder on public YouTube videos still available to the general public (if you have no idea what "master PUA" is, they're just semi-famous dudes who have a lot of experience picking up successfully).

Imagine you are banging a beautiful blond with amazing skin who is, admittedly, a little twinky, but has come to love your new musculature and ignites your newly discovered instinct to protect with his toned but limber build. (If you're straight pretend it's a chick.) He is obedient and he arouses a cocktail of hormones and emotions from you without instilling oneitis from you. Ahem, anyway, you are dining with his family, and you have brought along your nine year old brother; you're both staying at his family's over a long weekend. The conversation is settling, and your boy toy Brendan (let's call him) is brushing his leg against yours, his breath noticeably shallower, and he's wondering how you're going to fuck him this time because you've made damn sure sex is not a predictable hurtle with him. Your in-laws say something like, "Glad you guys just graduated, because tuition is on the rise!" and your brother says, "Yeah, it's over 9000!" and beams you with a smirk you are obliged to return.

Your in-laws and boyfriend go, ".......haha....ha..?" and turn to you for a light explanation, so they can genuinely give a hearty laugh with your sibling. You find yourself scratching the back of your head, managing a laugh, and explaining what an internet meme is, why your brother knows it, and why it's at all funny (if you don't know what it is, you're not missing anything, and neither was anyone at that table, as they'll come to learn).

A harmless example. He's nine for God's sake, and this instance probably won't stop Brendan from monitoring condom/lube count before your routine tip-toeing into his bedroom. But what if it's a PUA doing the same thing -- and a so-called MASTER one, at that?

Allow me to piece together instances I have seen this take place, by so-called master PUAs. This is really a shame because I have come to really admire these dudes, but Neil Strauss, author of The Game, and Tyler from Real Social Dynamics have pulled this. Strauss, in his Jimmy Kimmel Live interview, is obviously being grilled about his magical abilities to pick up women, a difficult and unenviable position for any guy to be put into -- imagine getting asked, "So, tell me more about your elusive ability to be the best at women, and better than anyone else here, including that really good-looking guy over there, me, and that guy making out with that woman. Say, can you pick her up?" etc. In fact Kimmel asks Strauss if he can pick up Jessica Alba who is right at his side. Strauss laughs and retorts, "Well, I don't know talk show game."

Silence.

Then slowly Kimmel and Alba put together the nerd lingo that Strauss is using. "Ah," they visibly think. "He uses 'game' as a thing. It's how they speak, when they configure how to pick up elusive women and get that elusive sex they work so hard for. That's nice." If you squirmed at least a little when that came out of Neil's mouth, maybe your anxiety is a little high, but MAYBE you have the social intelligence to know that in-private lingo with anyone else actually demonstrates low social value because, as far as anyone else knows, you're conniving with other losers who have to implement complicated-sounding strategies to achieve things (sex) that others can do without the planning and mental schema you use.

Tyler has an in-field video (translation: a live YouTube video of him picking up women to prove his worth to guys wondering if they should take his advice) where he has a chick laughing outside a club. He's demonstrating no fear by literally clinging onto her, which she takes humor in, but what comes out of his mouth sent a chill down my spine. "Ahhhh, don't leeeeave me!" he says (lol -- that's not the bad part). "You just can't, I'm PUA!"

The grueling part of this phrase is that it is so obvious to anyone, whether they know what PUA is or they think it stands for Pet Uprising Association, is that the person saying it thinks it makes them cool as shit. The natural mental response is, "Uh, that's not cool as shit, I don't even know what that is," or, "Uh, being a self-proclaimed Pick-Up Artist doesn't make you cool as shit [which is true, guys], but maybe it does with your group of loser friends." Even if someone does think being a PUA is cool, phrasing it like that is such an awkward self-promoting tactic that even the likest mind will backwards-rationalize that you're a moron for saying that.

Imagine at a college reunion, that some students are welcomed with 'Cum Laude Badges,' and some are not. Whether or not you would've earned one, picture three friends with the badges about to get their picture taken, when a fourth good friend rushes into the picture, grabs one of their wastes, and utters, "Ahh, please let me in too, I'm CLB!"

Uh...you're what, bro?

Visibly painting yourself into an elite group is just not the way to sell your higher value to other people. If you're part of the in crowd, you will not need to advertise it. Simple as that.

Dating and Facebook Likes - It's a Thing

Technology: Making a few things easier and more accessible, while also helping us (and screwing us over) romantically!

Facebook's Like feature enables one to effortlessly demonstrate approval, praise, and perhaps affection with a mouse-click. "Effortless" is a good dating word --no one wants to elope with a try-hard guy, and this is a great way to not be that guy.

If you are convinced Facebook liking can't have a significant impact on your dating life, you are probably...
a) old
b) just thinking of friendships and forgetting how heated and tense it can get with a potential romantic interest reciprocating desire
c) haven't had a fling in a while
d) are confusing it with stalking / not having those likes be returned

Likes were the opening of one insane relationship I had. A guy and I had a friendly but heated conversational exchange, and when I didn't show up to a party he was invited to that he was expecting me to attend, he promptly gave me a first Like, which I didn't reciprocate in order to not come off as desperate. I trusted in him and the universe that if he so desired me, and if he was bold enough, he'd do it again. He did! I returned his Like so he had given two, and I had given one. Coming off as the less interested one is always important. Then he initiated a chat with me with some lame excuse as to why, followed by some light conversation, a false time-constraint on his part ("I hate to do this, I have to go, but...") which helped him get to the point (asking me out: "...but, let's get a coffee in the near future") and make him seem busy and not desperate (attractive!).

And did you notice he asked in a statement and not a question? He avoided neediness to come off as bold.
But now we're getting into the semantics beyond Facebook likes. But, do you see how it all links up now?

Likes can also mean...
1. It's over, we were chatting, but now I'm going to ignore your messages and give you likes so we have good energy if we ever see each other again and it's not as uncomfortable
2. You messaged me or asked me out in person, and I never had interest, so I ignored the message or said some BS to you in person, so here's a Facebook like so you don't get angry with me, I hope you're well.

Share your own experiences been with Facebook likes, guy-to-guy, in the comments.

Be the Man: How Chasing the Person You Like Can Increase Your Attractiveness

This is a story about a guy who knew, consciously or not, that being romantically/sexually persistent increased his attractiveness tenfold.

I had had virtually no interest in him, and he changed my body chemistry towards him through exquisitely executed attraction tactics. The guy was chasing me, and I learned lots as he executed some fine masculine/active/top same-sex game that stimulated me wholly. Useful not just for gay guys, but also straight ones!

We had known each other for some time through friends at school. Others thought he was cute and made note of his supple body when he came up in conversation, but I personally wasn't bought. If there was a buying factor for me though, it was his popularity and charisma.

This guy went off like a rocket in all his theater classes and built a huge reputation for his forwardness, charm, and natural leadership abilities. He makes sure he has a hell of a time at any social gathering, and everyone else naturally enters his reality. In business/collaborative settings (such as a recurring project we worked on together), he's often the loudest and clearest speaker in the room, but also the one most likely to respond to ideas (or mandates) with almost brow-raising affirmatives like "Awesome" or "I love it," in a setting where overtly suggesting your feedback may hold more weight than everyone else's is taboo. His first day on the project, he was the newest guy in the room, yet he managed to make the person in charge of going over material with him seem as if she was presenting the material for his approval, instead of accepting a frame where his title was, "Clueless guy who obligingly and sweetly accepts what is given to him and the status quo."

Needless to say, all of these traits caught my interest.

Regardless, his not-bodybuilder-body along with his fuzzy blond body made my recently-New Yorker primal mind not so keen, or at least it wasn't heavily entertained. Until he made his move.

(His charisma, I admit, gave me a little interest. So, I started to dress up a little better at rehearsals -- subtly tighter t-shirts, and even almost-formal, flattering clothing.)

I noticed that, despite his feverish popularity, whenever we were in some part of the room in a tighter circle and someone said something funny, he began making eye contact with me when we'd find ourselves laughing, as if he were sharing it with me. I found it friendly and I hadn't even seen it as flirtatious at the time -- just ambiguous, and, well, friendly. How wrong I was.

It was more clear he was putting on the moves in one particular rehearsal we had. My 'theater-activity' (bear with me, not-artsy-job people) was to go to a couple of people scattered around the rehearsal, reveal something controversial about myself, and expect them to do the same. I went up to him and some other guy. I said, "I used to get anxiety when a guy would come on me." He said without breaking eye contact, "After I eat, my tendency is to masturbate."

The interactive, spontaneous, experimental tasks continued. Our tasks involved at least one other person, and for most of his, he would come to me -- especially those involving exercise that showed off physical prowess ("can you do 30 push-ups with me?"), ridiculous/comic exercise (me: "wait, is this how you do a jumping jack?" him: "...no" me: "lol" ), surprise-tying a rope around my neck from behind, and him twerking against my leg as Miley Cyrus until he had me trapped in a corner. When we were sitting down, he made sure any passing of objects between us involved our fingers grazing ("kino" being the PUA term), and he always kept our conversation as sexual as he could ("[showing me a picture he took during weird-activity-doing of another castmember on his phone] This looks like it could be a Grindr pic").

What was key was that I didn't return his moves, remaining the passive, because sexual polarity (masculine/feminine) is essential for attraction to occur and be maintained, as we learned in our previous article.

But what's crazy is he wasn't coming in like a wrecking ball! He was making his motives pretty clear, building rapport in such an aggressive way that wasn't boundary-crossing, and making myself familiar to his presence -- even needing it, I learned!

We had a second rehearsal later the same day. I naturally wondered if he would continue to be persistent -- maybe he got bored! The rehearsal was a lot more about sitting, and when he came in after I did, he took the seat right next to mine. He would put his hand naturally on my back whenever he was talking about us as a group or whenever it was even mildly appropriate, and I felt my own feelings of, "Wait, is this guy still after me?" become assuaged by his physical assurance.

So he had done three things with the, well, attention he had given me early -- made me get used to it and nearly take it for granted, made me continue to want it, and feel relief whenever he continued to give me the attention. It was a mini-drug (no worries, I wasn't hopelessly hooked). Now THAT is true game.

As the show approached, he would do other things, like ask if I'd follow him to help try on a costume, or as PUA calls it, "moving someone to another place" ("Huh? Help you try something on?! Noo-ooo!!" "I mean just see if it's a good fit." "Oh haha, sure thing"), and walk up to me when we were all standing around about to make our entrances, making a clever comment about the flesh-colored underwear he thought would befit the costume he had on. Again, almost always sexual material in conversation, almost pushing boundaries -- not enough to be creepy, but just the right amount to make his interests clear in a socially acceptable way!

By being aggressive, this guy was ascertaining his masculinity with me, showing he wasn't afraid to back down, that he wasn't afraid of me, and that he goes for what he wants! If I had shown even a little more than a hint that I was interested in him, the fun would've been gone, I would've seemed too eager, and he would've stopped putting on the moves (indeed, whenever he caught me looking at him his reaction was just to turn away as if he couldn't care less -- and then he'd continue hitting on me!).

What's crazy is that during our first rehearsal together, I wasn't seeing him as much as a sexual/romantic option as much as a very cool person who could potentially out-cool me in any moment. What a turning of the tables a little desire and taking care of one's appearance can do! If you ever feel you're going to be AMOG'd or intimidated by another gay guy, it can be very useful to keep your moments together hot.

Honestly, I don't see our relationship going towards anything serious -- it could be a game for him, as it basically is for me. On the other hand, I have no shortage of interest in documenting how a guy with status hits on me, since that's useful for me for whenever I decide to take on that role with another guy. Why fall short on practice?

If you like someone and you want to make a distinct move, prepare to be the guy in the relationship -- the masculine counterpart. If you like someone but you don't see yourself as the pursuer and don't want to bring out your partner's feminine side, but rather his masculine, then show just a little interest and see if he caves.

Now that the show we were rehearsing for is over, he's taken to Facebook liking and commenting on my stuff -- not on every single item I post, of course (there is such thing as being too eager on the masculine front of the pursuit), but only on outrageous items I post that would believably merit his approval. Facebook will be covered in depth in a future post. Follow the blog to keep your game sharp and for necessary review.

Happy hunting, my brothers.

Getting (or Receiving) the Guy: The Chase and Sexual Polarity

If my romantic and sexual experiences in college taught me anything, it's that lots of guys who like guys have no idea how to manage someone else's attraction for them, or how to make it happen between them at all.

I stumbled upon an amazing book on my Facebook news feed about a year ago when I needed clarification myself. A sassy lady-acquaintance of mine posted it after she read it saying, "Well, I haven't been doing dating right at all." After getting my own copy, I found that I hadn't really, either, unless by instinct.

In case you're wondering, the book (Not Your Mother's Rules) is supposed to be for girls on how to keep a guy interested -- and I'm a dude who likes dudes.

It has been an amazing manual for me on how to keep a 'masculine' guy around. Or, how to keep a guy interested and behaving in a 'masculine' way. The rest of the post illustrates how I think it's useful (ahem, essential) for a guy who's into a -- there's that word again -- 'masculine' guy.

When I say "masculine," I'm not necessarily talking about football throwing, ball-scratching, toothpick-in-teeth behavior. I'm actually talking about that masculine vulnerability which is secretly what masculinity is. I'm talking about the impulse to give someone protection, and to let him know that he's being thought of in a way that suggests romantic and sexual exclusivity. It's the masculine spark that demands a lot of confidence, because it takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there like that -- but it's so damn sexy when it happens, because it demonstrates strength.

Confidence = Vulnerability. (In the 'masculine' sense.)

Think about what turns you on about a guy. Not just any guy, but keep one or two in mind. I'll venture to say there are two types of attraction, within the romantic realm (I'm not talking about a viable hookup option).

There are the kinds of guys who we want to sweep us off of our feet. The ones with the puffed out chest, the go-getters -- you know who I mean. They may exist more in our imagination than in reality, but both are still valid because dating is pure psychology.

Then there are the cute, more bottom-y ones that sometimes make us feel manly who, unless they act too clingy, we want to take care of, at a gut level.

Homosexual men, or any group of guys, cannot be so simply divided into these categories. But both of these archetypal guys, who we perceive others to be and who we see ourselves as sometimes, are the result of successful gay game.

When a 'masculine' guy shows signs of anxiety or weakness, he loses that cologne about him.
When a 'feminine' guy gets clingy, he is no longer the prize we had made him out to be.

"Well, this has been fun. Let's get a drink sometime soon."
"I'll give you a call when you're back in the area."
"We should do this again."

Look at the quotes above, and imagine your Prince Eric telling you something like that. Swoon, you went. Sigh, we go.

Now imagine one of those lighter-and-whispy-haired, innocent-faced guys with the cute butt. His smile with his girl friends (don't let me be misunderstood, I'm talking about a homosexual here), which is incredibly sweet, looks more like something you'd put on a Hallmark birthday card than a facsimile of some devil-may-care, cockeyed gay-man-izer. With this innocent example, I'm not even talking about a weak/insecure guy (yet...that'll be a post in the future); just a poised, more feminine guy.

Imagine that great-skinned, Fierce-smelling, tight-jeaned guy asking you out. Hot, right? 100% bangable. The problem?

It's only an ego-boost for us, and a potential lay. We don't want to date him, at least not for too long.

Huh? How can that be? We're politically correct. In fact, this post is not a cry against feminine guys, or feminine guys' agency. We see guys like that in relationships all the time. So what is being suggested?

That passive guys, or guys who find themselves interested in someone who they want as the more masculine partner, can't pursue someone without regretting it.

Wait, you are hopefully thinking. Am I that guy? One of them? Both of them? Neither?

The truth is... sometimes you are, and sometimes you are not. Our masculine/feminine polarities often change with who we are (as in, immediate surroundings...and also who we are romantically with), and how attracted we are to the guy.

When we are attracted to a manly guy, we might tease, act sassy around him, and maybe even pursue him. Anyone familiar with the chase may well know it works out better when, heterosexually speaking, the guy makes the first move. While true, we might be tempted to think that chasing goes either way between guys showing interest to one another.

Not so.

Sassy-flirty behavior is instinctually telling a guy, Come and chase me. It doesn't work because you are chasing him, confusing the polarity. You are saying, "Do that masculine thing where you prove yourself to me. I'm interested. Go ahead, show me who you are. I'm interested." It's paradoxical because you don't need him to show you what he's got; you're already interested. Therefore it's actually annoying and not helpful to getting you guys anywhere, unless you just want to have him for a night.

So when the part of us that yearns, whether always or on occasion, to be taken care of by the king of the jungle types, the best tactic? Do nothing. Let him see you as the type that gets pursued.

Let it be his idea.

And when we're attracted to the more 'feminine' guy? You guessed it. Go up to him and act like a player. Be forward. Dare to put your hand through his hair. Touch his hands. Show confidence (even if you're scared shitless). Make him laugh. Smile. Be cocky. Cross boundaries here and there with a smile and a "just kidding, just kidding!" Guys who inspire our masculine with their femininity need to be charmed. If they're into us, they wouldn't have it any other way. That is how the attraction current flows in its most proper form.

Another big sexual polarity mistake: matching vulnerability with vulnerability.
"Hey you," he says. "It meant so much that you came to see my game."
"Of course!" you can say. "I'm so glad I finally saw you play."

The example above is fine. As the feminine side of the magnetic pull, it's not your place to ask him out. Trust me, I've been there and the long-term results aren't pretty. If he made the first move and has since pursued you, let him do that. If you do his job for him, he'll get bored, feel something's not right, and move on.

Confidence = Sexiness = Vulnerability (for the pursuer).
Confidence = Sexiness = Trust (for the one being chased).


Best tactic for masculine counterpart: being forward. (Scary, because of fear of rejection.)
Worst tactic for masculine counterpart: being hesitant. (Comes from fear of rejection.)

Best tactic for feminine counterpart: doing nothing. (Scary because you want to make sure it's still on.)
Worst tactic for feminine counterpart: being forward. (Comes from fear of relationship slipping away.)


These rules are especially true for player-types. A guy used to picking up guys relishes a really hard-to-get guy if he's a pursuer, or he wants someone who will effortlessly call him and have no problem going after what they want.

I have a story about a pursuer who got my interest from 0 to 60 simply with his subtle but persistent forwardness; but that'll be for a future post.

Does this mean that if you're more masculine/feminine in your mannerisms or interests, that you are doomed to one set of these dating tactics? No. You have no idea if you're going to meet an American Pie you want to ravage to adorable smithereens, or a Hercules you want to carry you over the threshold (lolz). It has less to do with how you're perceived by others or yourself in your daily life, and more about what an individual guy inspires in you. Familiarize yourself with both sides of the game, put them into practice, and get the guy.


Since this is my first blog post, I feel like I'm spilling everything at once. It's a lot to take in! Hopefully ideas and dating concepts will be brought up with more clarity and fluidity in the future. This is just a taste of what's to come.

'Til next time, my brothers.