Saturday, September 27, 2014

13 Reasons Why Getting a Boyfriend is Hard

Let's be real -- getting a boyfriend isn't a cakewalk. If it were, we wouldn't be here right now, delineating all the ways we can manage to get the guy! Pessimism is no one's greatest asset, but it's important to know exactly what we're dealing with as we accrue more knowledge as to what a guy looks for in us, and what we should be looking for in a guy.

1. There is so much competition for gay men (especially in major cities)

If you live in a city like New York or San Francisco and someone were to ask you, "Who's the hottest gay guy in your area?" you might laugh, or stare at them with deep concern for their mental wellbeing. The fact is that cities like these aren't like your typical suburban high school, where only a handful of guys are out, if any, and when one guy gets bulging biceps, everyone knows, and he's the talk of the town. On the US coasts, a guy with muscles is a guy a dozen. You use the word "eligible" strictly when you're being ironic. Even if someone you like also liked you, he might think, "Hmm...well, there must be more!" or... "Wow... if I can get him, I wonder who else I can get!"

2. We don't have the experience our straight peers have (since they 'came out' way before we did)

This one's a doozie. Dating experience is important for confidence in dating, confidence in ourselves, and familiarity with 'how these things play out' is so important to maintain composure and have realistic expectations. Watch this reason resurface in the following ones.

3. We're brought up with a poor idea of how love works

We think we'll find someone, our "soul mate," and that we suddenly we will be completely understood and loved. It felt like that with a best friend in our pasts, so love must turn out the same way, right? The media, the movies, even our family reassure us that this fantasy reencounter will happen. The media does it because it sells, and our family tells us this lie not to deceive us, but because they want us to feel safe and reassured, despite the reality. Relationships are hard work, and dating isn't a cakewalk. It often involves staring at a phone hoping we'll get a text back, and dates you politely sit through with a guy who didn't look quite like his Tinder pictures.

4. Not understanding the rules of the Sexual Marketplace

It's not even that much of forbidden knowledge; it's just that it's difficult to talk about, and often joked about (she's reaching her early 30s, uh oh!) and so we don't realize how much these rules apply to us individually. We actually begin to believe that fat or old people are hot deep down inside and that it's what inside that matters, and it's what's inside (not out!) that facilitate 'love at first sight' and a long-term relationship. These bad thoughts leads to poor habits, entitlement, thinking guys are in our range when they're not, and selfish behavior in relationships.

5. Social anxiety from being a gay outcast earlier in life affects formulation of romantic/sexual relationships

If you're shy with people, chances are you're gonna be shy when you fall for someone, which can be a great advantage or a great disadvantage, depending on whether you're the masculine or feminine on in your relationship. Generally, being shy is not so great, though. Guys in this situation need more experience with people, perhaps even so before opening up to the dating world. (Our advice: Don't fall so hard! This can be avoided by dating many guys at once -- this is a must for long-term success!)

6. Still being in the closet (you or him -- either way, not so helpful)

Whether it's you or him in the closet, either way it's not an ideal place from which to have a relationship. Secretive dates can be fun for one second, but it becomes a pain when how covert you can be is misunderstood or asks for way too much from either of you.

7. Parents

Parents or a family that's not cool with the whole gay thing, yours or his, can get in the way, if you're trying to have a very traditional LTR where you both meet each other's parents, etc. By "parents" we aren't talking about dorky parents who embarrass you. If your guy really likes you, he'd find your parents' corny jokes adorable! (If you're still in high school, this may be hard to understand.)

8. Not understanding how to deal with game-playing

When you get a text or an email from a guy you're interested in, it's always best to at least slightly delay your response time. That way, you don't seem so clingy or obsessed with him, which keeps him from wanting to get rid of you, and he maintains the illusion that you have many other options -- you may even be texting and otherwise electronically flirting with other guys (you'd better be!).

9. We don't know how to 'market' ourselves and think 'being ourselves' is the way to go

Because we're encouraged to act like 'queens' by celebrities, the media, and our female friends, many gay men are not comfortable in their masculinity which ironically is what all gay men want in a partner.

10. We don't know what other gay men want

What your crush ideally wants (and what you want!): a tall, handsome, strong (internally and externally), funny, wealthy guy who knows exactly how I'm feeling, can always take a hint, always says exactly the right thing, is cool with all of 'my flaws' (i.e. selfishness and bad habits I'm not willing to revoke), who won't get fat when he's older and who thinks I'm funny and amazing and wonderful just the way I am (i.e. accepts my laziness).

What your crush thinks he wants (and what you think you want): A really nice guy who's really understanding.

What your crush is hard-wired by nature to want (and you're no exception): A guy who's out of your league but likes you, kind of, anyway, and lets you be on his list of numbers, or maybe even boyfriends, though you always suspect he's got something else going on.

11. We haven't had practice dealing with our own clinginess

Our girlfriends might learn right away maybe when they're 10 that boys run when girls chase back, so we have to not only learn the games, but habituate them, too! Knowing the difference between energetically saying something really clever or showing way too much interest is important and hard to differentiate when you think you've got a real catch.

12. It's not about wanting a boyfriend or the end result

This mentality can always lead to disaster, especially on or before the first date!

13. Being too nice

Our culture over-estimates how far niceness can take us, and we often forget that we can be blindly taken advantage of even by those who we feel we can trust the most.