Question from a reader: how important are consistent sexual roles in a relationship?

Hey, hows it going. I found your blog through alttrp and have read most of the posts. I thought I might get your opinion on something because it seems your ideas about gay relationships are mostly in line with mine.

How much do you think the actual sexual positions and acts between a couple reflect on their positions in the relationship. I'm with a guy and I'd say that I tend towards the more masculine role and he's more feminine. I work hard to maintain that dynamic because I think we both enjoy it that way. In sex he's been pretty excursively the bottom for me with the exception of one time.

Now I've read what you said about masculine and feminine feed back during sex. I enjoy the fact that he gives that feminine feedback when we fuck. I also know how to give that feedback myself when I'm was on the receiving end in a different relationship. But for some reason it feels wrong to me in this context.

Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex? I'd like to bottom once and a while, but I think it would just undermine my frame entirely. I think ultimately both he and I would be less happy in the relationship if I allowed myself to do that.

Hey there,

It sounds like you've bottomed with him once, so what happened when you did? What was it like during, shortly after, and since? The answer might be the knot that unfurls this whole thing. I think you should assume it would make things different, especially if you've been working hard on being dominant. If you feel a lingering father-child relationship with him where you're validating what he says, he asks you lots of questions about life and how you do things, it feels like he's playing around in the safety of your world, your builds clearly make you fit for your respective dom/sub roles, then you've clearly established dominance, and doing this would add a new flavor. (You could have also established your own mark of dominance without those exact symptoms.)

One situation I could imagine working, if I may be explicit, is if he tops you, but for him it's the same as him jacking off and not necessarily being your "new daddy," while you let out low grunts and elongated moans as the bottom -- I think elongation with low-toned vocality helps keep one dominant. I had a moment humping a muscle daddy's great ass but he was still absolutely dominant from the beginning to the end; not in a self-conscious way, but in how we responded to each other and what we ultimately wanted from each other (I was 18 and wanted to be swallowed under his muscles, he thought I was cute and was cool playing macho with me for an evening). It sounds like you're in tune with your feminine side when you bottom though, and stifling that can take the fun out of it. I don't think repressing what you want to do is the way to go, and that just messes up the circuitry/flow anyway.

You could alternatively bottom with him one night, and then act like nothing's changed afterward. You could pre-plan something you would do, for example, right after you finish, e.g., get right off the bed, pull up your pants, and lay flat on the bed on your phone (or in the big spoon position). It would feel like he was ultimately pleasing you, so you would still be top dog, giving him a "you did good" feeling, even pressing your dick against his butt when you're curled up together afterward so he knows what's up. Before you started the sex, you could smother him with your body, suck his neck, and with your mouth on his ear, tell him to pleasure you with his dick in your ass -- but again, that's taking the fun out of losing yourself in the feminine ecstasy of receiving. It could really just feel like he's jacking off in your asshole, so you'd keep frame, but not let your inner bitch out.

And that last approach would be a little tight, no pun intended, since it depends on frame. Have you considered getting fucked by someone else? How open is your relationship? It could really help you with this guy to sleep with someone else who is the top/dom while you're free as the wind as a sub/bottom for a night, or even longer. The other night I was with a pectoral-y guy, we established he was more top and I was more bottom, and after fumbling for a bit, we both lay on our backs. I jacked off with an arm around his neck and feeling his pecs, while he fingered me close to my ass but not quite there, pushing more and more firmly until I climaxed, while he jacked himself off with his other hand. The combination of feeling so much masculinity (he had poked his dick close to my ass while in the missionary position too) paired with my orgasm was the first time in a long time I was really 'out' of it after sex. My mind was profoundly blank and I didn't want to move. That's what orgasming should feel like for the feminine. And in your quest to get fucked, you should aim for that kind of experience. Again, it could help you keep frame as a top with this guy to let this out.

In the off-chance that he's been very curious to top, and you decide you won't bottom with him, you could, as an extreme resort, suggest he top someone else. Since his masculine-source is you, and he wouldn't likely be topping a very masculine guy (or feel the other guy was too masculine if he was doing so), it's not likely he would get attached with his new partner, and it could a) give him an outlet (if he even needs it) and b) increase his dread for you to your advantage, since you suggesting he have sex with someone else might give him light anxiety, which you could fuck away for him daddy-gonna-take-care-of-you style in the worst case. I've encouraged my long-distant, pretty-attached plate to sleep with other guys while we're not together, and it still works out (even though he's holding a decent masculine frame with me -- military, chill, to the point), though he is a little upset to basically know I'm with other guys.

Hope this is helpful, and definitely let me know what you decide to do, and how it turns out. Pics or it didn't happen!

-Chad

PS

"Are the sexual roles of each partner normally so set? Do versatile guys really just trade off as they please with no effect on the dynamic of their relationship outside of sex?"

And now to actually answer your question...

This is hard. I don't think they're always so set. But it's important to know what are the dynamics holding attraction so you don't mess up should you decide to try something else. Their being set is kind of an ideal. When you see a twink-y guy with a more alpha guy, you know what's up. Don't forget that most gay guys just jack off with one another, though a masc/fem dynamic can still be held. And fucking the 'wrong way' shouldn't be treated like it would destroy chemistry in all cases. I've fucked a guy for ten minutes, got tired and admitted I wasn't so into topping him, then let him curl me up in his arms while I beat us off touching his huge muscles. What you -want- to do is probably right, if you catch my drift. If your relationship with this guy is really all about that masc/fem chemistry I'd highly consider getting topped by another fellow.

A Gay Man's Guide to Taking the Red Pill, 1.0 (Originally Posted on Reddit)

Gay Red Piller here. Wonder how I got here sometimes -- coming from a self-feminized existence with the GSA and hating men, to enthusiastically joining the most ill-seen men's locker room on the net! Insert joke about gay men in locker room yeah yeah

It's completely egotistical for me to consider that this would be an actual guide as I am just one individual writing this with no third party revision before posting, so please look at my sketching as harmless possibilities.

Also, please don't see this as my convincing everyone how great and awesome gay men are for getting boners for their brethren. This isn't a cry for acceptance. This is ideally for other gay Red Pillers to go, "Oh, I see," and maybe, "Yes I've thought that," or, "What? Wrong. My comment will refute this and be upvoted," and it's something interesting for straight guys: there's been a smattering of posts regarding gays in how they facilitate or cockblock men's access to women, and also how gay men often don't let women fly with the pussy pass. (They additionally are not doomed by losing vaginal access by speaking up.)

How are gay men like straight men or straight women? Why's it important for gay men to take the red pill? How are gay men's Red Pill red flags telling for all guys taking the RP?

1. Gay men were also brought up on the Blue Pill Disney romantic fantasy. Like straight men, they were told they would find a soulmate, and they seek an unconditional mother's love in romantic partners by default. This has to be unlearned. Hookups don't apply.

2. Gay men are hypergamous by nature. If Rational Male has taught me one thing, it's that I get heartbroken like a boy, but I seek a higher status mate as a girl does. I think I find a difference in that, in Esther Vilar's writings, women are portrayed as rational in their seeking beta bucks, while Rollo portrays that they are hard-wired for this type of coldly-calculated thing. I'm not a woman so I can't speak for one, but I think that a gay man would seek wealth in a partner out of laziness; a potential partner's wealth does not stir romantic longing, per se. Gay men might settle for money, especially actor types. Both gay men and straight women have an alpha fucks desire; beta bucks is the default for women, and gay men may or may not marry someone just for their money. BUT, gay men arehypergamous in their search for the manliest man, and this search is only ultimately resolved when they find that manin themselves, which rarely happens. Seeing yourself as the father figure is the jackpot of gay psychological spiritual sexuality. I feel a straight guy would also have piece of mind with this mindset, and a lot of books teaching masculinity claim this too (King Warrior Magician Lover; or anything by Jack Donovan).

3. Gay men have the sex drive of straight men. Not news.

4. Gay men, innately, ultimately desire submitting to a masculine man, but if they are masculine already, will generally be more interested in having a feminine counterpart exist in their reality, in case they have trouble finding a competing man's masculinity whose manliness floors them into submission. Here come the down-votes but this is what I see time and time again. Alpha-like guy in his thirties might enjoy busting his nuts on younger willing twinks who're even fun to have around and talk to and who ultimately come to his house to please him (notice the plurality). Insecure skinny beta ultra-feminized gay boy will want a big man to show him the ropes; is the captain of the football team gay yet, or the frowny guy with big forearms in my math class? Bears often like bears; they appear to have the mother and the father in them. In all cases appearance trumps actuality (would see an alpha guy who had a ton of insecurities and emotional roller-coasters equivalent to a woman, but he is one of the guy-est guys I know; feminine guys can be 'fierce' as fuck).

4.5. The gay man should therefore aim to be as manly as possible in order to maintain his psychological power and his own respect (I am the man here so I am in control), and to avoid falling head over heels over any guy who doesn't imitate lipstick-wearing individuals. Yo, it's not just women who gotta watch for those bad RP or natural alphas, but gay men too. No h8ers.

5. Gay men, by behaving like women, learn early on not to trust themselves; by regaining masculinity, they accept themselves more as individuals capable of original thought and who don't need others' validation. This was such a huge leap for me. By becoming like a man instead of turning my lower lip out whenever I didn't know something or couldn't make a decision for myself, when I act manly, I find my mind thinking, Wait, I am capable of solving this problem, I can be a leader, I can be the oak tree and not the court jester I am portrayed as in film and TV. This has made me question femininity hugely. This point is also a leap from the "accept your femininity and you will suddenly feel better because that's who you really are anyway" stuff told to gay men. Granted I will always be an arts guy, I think, with an interest in the emotional and the spiritual that could make a new age person jealous, and I have to put an effort to enjoy sports. Maybe TRP will guide me to more masculine interests if they're even necessary; need to explore this a bit more. Definitely more interested in money now, which I may have previously associated with men and being bad.

6. Gay men, when feminine with their partners or other gay men, almost always use this as a means of romantic/sexual manipulation. Saying "Pleeeease can I?" and other childlike, "feminine" behaviors are almost always manipulative (how to treat an orbiter). One time I was at a house party in San Francisco, and this huge, tall, fat gay man, who was the host, was cornering me in his house for sex. I am furiously against fake rape accusations and he didn't rape me, but honestly, I was scared out of my wits and felt like a could-be actual rape victim. What tactics did I use to get out? I said "I'm sorrryyyy but I have to goooo" and made big droopy eyes and sad-face mouth. He beneficently sighed, like, I guess this poor, young, pretty fit, early 20s guy just can't read sexual signals, and he's a precious little thing that needs to be cared for and it is my responsibility as The Man to see to it that this adult-child isn't hurt by the world, poor dear thing. Women are not not actually like that and don't need that. Identify when any female pulls this BS on you. Women never get like this with gay men, if anything they are just sassy, because gay men see through that. Meanwhile, straight men are often women's unsuspecting babysitters.

7. Taking the red pill ultimately means, for gay men, to aggressively develop an able body (not just for aesthetic purposes...I guess), figure out what it means to be a man and how to achieve it, be manly, figure out how to make that dough, and to realize that no other guy can love you like you want to be loved. Masculinity, muscles, money = my new mantra.

5 Reasons He's Not That Into You (Besides "Type")

You're ready for him. Why isn't he having it with you?


1. You're showing too much interest

We all want what we can't have, because if it doesn't want us, then it must be really awesome and better than us! This is how we think. Also, showing too much interest can be creepy. The sooner you stop back-to-back texting him, the more classy you can appear.


2. You don't rock the clothes (yet!)

Nothing says confidence like great taste in clothes that show off your body. Feeling good enough about yourself to show off is also an aphrodisiac.


3. You don't have the body (yet!)

Seriously, work out. Your body has ONE JOB.


4. You're nervous or socially awkward

Dating and mating is about finding the strongest and worthiest mate, when it comes to gay men. These traits, however, reek of powerlessness and lack of confidence. Fake it 'til you make it!


5. He's in love with someone else.

Oh, please.


But don't worry! We'll help you be a player beast so your feelings never have to be outcome-independent on one guy again -- because seriously, that's an attraction killer, as we mentioned, and most importantly, it's just not healthy.

13 Reasons Why Getting a Boyfriend is Hard

Let's be real -- getting a boyfriend isn't a cakewalk. If it were, we wouldn't be here right now, delineating all the ways we can manage to get the guy! Pessimism is no one's greatest asset, but it's important to know exactly what we're dealing with as we accrue more knowledge as to what a guy looks for in us, and what we should be looking for in a guy.

1. There is so much competition for gay men (especially in major cities)

If you live in a city like New York or San Francisco and someone were to ask you, "Who's the hottest gay guy in your area?" you might laugh, or stare at them with deep concern for their mental wellbeing. The fact is that cities like these aren't like your typical suburban high school, where only a handful of guys are out, if any, and when one guy gets bulging biceps, everyone knows, and he's the talk of the town. On the US coasts, a guy with muscles is a guy a dozen. You use the word "eligible" strictly when you're being ironic. Even if someone you like also liked you, he might think, "Hmm...well, there must be more!" or... "Wow... if I can get him, I wonder who else I can get!"

2. We don't have the experience our straight peers have (since they 'came out' way before we did)

This one's a doozie. Dating experience is important for confidence in dating, confidence in ourselves, and familiarity with 'how these things play out' is so important to maintain composure and have realistic expectations. Watch this reason resurface in the following ones.

3. We're brought up with a poor idea of how love works

We think we'll find someone, our "soul mate," and that we suddenly we will be completely understood and loved. It felt like that with a best friend in our pasts, so love must turn out the same way, right? The media, the movies, even our family reassure us that this fantasy reencounter will happen. The media does it because it sells, and our family tells us this lie not to deceive us, but because they want us to feel safe and reassured, despite the reality. Relationships are hard work, and dating isn't a cakewalk. It often involves staring at a phone hoping we'll get a text back, and dates you politely sit through with a guy who didn't look quite like his Tinder pictures.

4. Not understanding the rules of the Sexual Marketplace

It's not even that much of forbidden knowledge; it's just that it's difficult to talk about, and often joked about (she's reaching her early 30s, uh oh!) and so we don't realize how much these rules apply to us individually. We actually begin to believe that fat or old people are hot deep down inside and that it's what inside that matters, and it's what's inside (not out!) that facilitate 'love at first sight' and a long-term relationship. These bad thoughts leads to poor habits, entitlement, thinking guys are in our range when they're not, and selfish behavior in relationships.

5. Social anxiety from being a gay outcast earlier in life affects formulation of romantic/sexual relationships

If you're shy with people, chances are you're gonna be shy when you fall for someone, which can be a great advantage or a great disadvantage, depending on whether you're the masculine or feminine on in your relationship. Generally, being shy is not so great, though. Guys in this situation need more experience with people, perhaps even so before opening up to the dating world. (Our advice: Don't fall so hard! This can be avoided by dating many guys at once -- this is a must for long-term success!)

6. Still being in the closet (you or him -- either way, not so helpful)

Whether it's you or him in the closet, either way it's not an ideal place from which to have a relationship. Secretive dates can be fun for one second, but it becomes a pain when how covert you can be is misunderstood or asks for way too much from either of you.

7. Parents

Parents or a family that's not cool with the whole gay thing, yours or his, can get in the way, if you're trying to have a very traditional LTR where you both meet each other's parents, etc. By "parents" we aren't talking about dorky parents who embarrass you. If your guy really likes you, he'd find your parents' corny jokes adorable! (If you're still in high school, this may be hard to understand.)

8. Not understanding how to deal with game-playing

When you get a text or an email from a guy you're interested in, it's always best to at least slightly delay your response time. That way, you don't seem so clingy or obsessed with him, which keeps him from wanting to get rid of you, and he maintains the illusion that you have many other options -- you may even be texting and otherwise electronically flirting with other guys (you'd better be!).

9. We don't know how to 'market' ourselves and think 'being ourselves' is the way to go

Because we're encouraged to act like 'queens' by celebrities, the media, and our female friends, many gay men are not comfortable in their masculinity which ironically is what all gay men want in a partner.

10. We don't know what other gay men want

What your crush ideally wants (and what you want!): a tall, handsome, strong (internally and externally), funny, wealthy guy who knows exactly how I'm feeling, can always take a hint, always says exactly the right thing, is cool with all of 'my flaws' (i.e. selfishness and bad habits I'm not willing to revoke), who won't get fat when he's older and who thinks I'm funny and amazing and wonderful just the way I am (i.e. accepts my laziness).

What your crush thinks he wants (and what you think you want): A really nice guy who's really understanding.

What your crush is hard-wired by nature to want (and you're no exception): A guy who's out of your league but likes you, kind of, anyway, and lets you be on his list of numbers, or maybe even boyfriends, though you always suspect he's got something else going on.

11. We haven't had practice dealing with our own clinginess

Our girlfriends might learn right away maybe when they're 10 that boys run when girls chase back, so we have to not only learn the games, but habituate them, too! Knowing the difference between energetically saying something really clever or showing way too much interest is important and hard to differentiate when you think you've got a real catch.

12. It's not about wanting a boyfriend or the end result

This mentality can always lead to disaster, especially on or before the first date!

13. Being too nice

Our culture over-estimates how far niceness can take us, and we often forget that we can be blindly taken advantage of even by those who we feel we can trust the most.

5 Reasons Why Male Birth Control Will be Terrific

The news is out: Men will now have control over whether or not their females have access to their sperm by 2017.

Why this is amazing news for men:

1. You'll know it's not your kid.

Women can be prevented from pretending they got pregnant by their husbands, when they actually have another guy's child. This will help men avoid raising a child that isn't his, and keep them from having to pay child support / alimony (and it will give them ample time to plan an exit strategy if he is married). Suck it, paternity fraud.

2. Men can no longer be tricked into having unwanted children.

Having kids had always been solely a woman's decision, since her 'forgetting' to take birth control often accounts for many unwanted pregnancies. (Since condoms take away a lot of the pleasure, they often aren't used, and this trick is easier to pull by women, who often are about to hit the wall, or who want a sucker-guy's financial support.)

3. You do it once, and then you can undo it whenever you like.

Unlike female birth control which needs to be taken monthly, only one stopper is needed to keep your little-yous from entering a lady's eggs and thus changing your life.

4. High-profile men, rich men, and male celebrities no longer have to worry about their one night stands carrying babies and receiving monthly payments until death.

It is a common practice for NBA men to flush condoms down the toilet immediately after sex with fangirls so they don't have to worry about becoming a parent or a dent in their income. They can now enjoy sex without the hassle of procreating, along with the pleasure of sex without a condom.

5. If (when) the feminists complain about it, their tyranny will be obvious.

And we will revolt.

Emma Watson's Speech Marks the Beginning of the End of Feminism

Emma Watson's organization she spoke for's stance: Getting men to help women with their problems.

Uh...okay.

Emma Watson's speech: Here are some areas where men also have problems.

Whoa. That was powerful. Good for Emma for not buying the baloney that women have it all bad.

While some bloggers are complaining that Watson basically appealed to "the oppressors" to help, there are a few things to be said about that:
1) they are not the oppressors and women have it much better than men in the first world economically, legislatively, and on a food-to-mouth basis (read Esther Vilar's "The Manipulated Man" in case you don't already know this).
2) It's about goddamn time that men KNOW that they have the shorter end of the stick in many, many cases.

What's fantastic is that now on a wide scale, men know they have it bad in some things. What's crazy is that the majority of men have no idea. They automatically see women as these helpless, divine creatures that need their assistance, while the women turn around and say they do not want to be portrayed in the media like that any longer (while continuing to use this facade in order to get what they want anyway such as by expanding the meaning of rape so non-violent rape somehow counts as rape and can put men in jail for deciding badly for her; see feminism).

So hopefully this actually turns into an actual gender equality thing.

Why Orange is the New Black Lesbian Writer Divorce is a Bad Example for Men, Women, Gays

Of COURSE when you find out you're a lesbian, when you fall for another girl while in a marriage with someone else, you NATURALLY send the husband packing from the apartment AND KEEP THE RING.

"But he gave it to her!"

HE SURE DID. And how many months of salary it must have been! Good thing she can keep it for the memories. If not, why not sell it! He's not keeping it, anyway!

I was so flustered to read all these cheeky articles about a writer discovering she is gay, dating a girl at work, and THEN telling her husband the news AND THAT HE HAS TO LEAVE.

It's not even the arguable cheating that sends me off. If feminists are arguing for gender equality, then please dream up the following situation with me:

A guy discovers that he is not in love with his wife. In fact, he's having a thing with that other guy at his start-up workplace. He has money, but, he suggests that she find another place to live. And yeah he's gonna keep the ring she gave him because he's, uh, the sentimental type. Thanks for the memories though! You're a sweetheart, you. And you're employed, ex-wife, so that shouldn't be a problem either.

Good for her for discovering she's gay and that she's found her 'soul mate', or one of many to come. Now, can she do the adult thing where she excuses herself from this unsuspecting, poor man's life? "I just found out that I'm not for you, that someone else is, and this is totally not your fault, so I'll be leaving and if it's not rude of me, you can keep the ring, because I'm not a royal ass." That would be some fucking chivalry right there. Oh wait, that's a guy word. Uh. Gentlewomanliness? Compassion? Someone help me out here.

The day we stop seeing female sovereignty as "girl power!" will be a good fucking day.